Apology #152

Dear Salvation Army Bell Ringer Guy,

I'm sorry I made you so extremely happy with what was left over on my Wal-Mart gift card when I haded it to you last night. There was only $6.50 left on there and you acted like I had given you a check for a million dollars! I'm happy that I could give it to you after spending the other $18 on giant tupperware bins to put our Christmas decorations into, but honestly, I did not expect the emotion that came out of you...so really, instead of an apology, I would like to say thank you for being so genuine in your shock and surprise, but also a bit sorry that $6.50 is so much in this season of giving.

Here's to you Bell Ringer Guy. Because of you many people are given hope.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #151

Dear Front Office Lady,

First, thank you for organizing this year's holiday party, but I have to say that I am sorry that it was a dismal event where everyone just ate the "catered" Safeway meal that I had to microwave for you and then everyone slowly dispersed as soon as you sat down.  I'm also sorry in your outfit choice today. I know that you were trying to be festive, but honestly, no one looks good in velour anymore...especially not you.

Just trying to be helpful!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #150

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry that we can't go out to dinner tonight for your birthday because we live in different states...but that being said, Happy Birthday!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #149

Dear Sore Throat,

I'm sorry we ever met. Time for you to move out, ASAP!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #148

Dear Forest,

I'm sorry that you have so many trees that are ugly and therefore not the perfect tree for me to cut down to put in our house for Christmas. Finally, after two hours of hiking all around you and being unable to see trees for the forest, we found a nice tree...only after I thought we were going to die out in the wilderness with our dog, no water and no means to start a fire if we couldn't find our car again.

So forest, next year, I think we might just go to a lot and pay for an overpriced tree. Saving $40 seemed like a good idea, but it sure wasn't.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #147

Dear Dog I Tried To Dogsit,

I'm sorry that I had to send you home after spraying you with the spray bottle, yelling at you after you went after our retarded cat, getting into a fight with our dog when you went after said retarded cat, putting you in the kennel/crate when we went to bed, taking you out of the kennel/crate because you started to howl in the house, trying everything we know to get you to lay down, go to sleep and leave the cats alone. There was more but I am tired after typing all of that. Not to mention the fact that you woke me up every twenty minutes to half an hour after I succumbed to your demands, locked the cats in both of the bedrooms and slept on the couch with you, because you wanted to get behind those closed doors and eat the cats.

I'm sorry I had to concede defeat. It isn't pretty.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #146

Dear Co-Worker I Tried To Dogsit For,

I'm sorry your dog tried to eat my cats and therefore couldn't stay with us for the entire week. One night was enough.

Sorry again!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #145

Dear Front Office Chick,

I'm sorry, but it is winter (Christmas is only 17 days away and we are in Denver) and you are wearing capris in the office.

1. It is freezing
2. I don't want to look at your calves
3. If you insist on wearing capris in the winter, the least you could do is turn up the heat in the office since you are the only one with a key to the thermostat cover
4. Did I mention that it is winter?
5. I have my winter coat draped over my long pants as well as my company branded zip-up hoodie on and I'm still freezing. Something about this just doesn't make sense.

I guess my apology is more to myself that I have to deal with your weirdness...so... 

Dear Self,

I'm sorry you work with a bunch of morons.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #144

Dear Coffee Travel Mug,

I'm sorry that I cursed at you this morning, but you practically scalded my hand when you decided that it was ok for you to leak my green tea all over the place.

Not sure what your problem is since you appear to be closed all the way and your lid is on as tight as it will go.

Guess that will teach me to shop in the bargain bin!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #143

Dear Jobs That Require You To Be Religious,

I'm sorry that you feel it is right to discriminate because I am not a member of your particular religion. Way to jump on the judgement bandwagon with my mother-in-law and hate me because I'm not Catholic.

Shame on you.  You just made Jesus cry.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
I could totally understand if this was a position for, say, a church secretary or a religion specific bookstore...but a marketing director for neither of those? C'mon!

Apology #142

Dear Snobbish Friends,

I'm sorry that you have become this way. You used to be fun.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #141

Dear Trainwrecks In My Life,

I'm sorry that you are in the situation you currently find yourself stranded in, but let's be honest, I warned you! I'm trying to be supportive of you, but not of your decisions and I have to say that it is a tough battle.

Someday you'll get your shit figured out...I hope!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #140

Dear PassiveAggressiveNotes.com,

I'm sorry, but I love you too much. I must limit myself to one visit to your site per fortnight.

I wish things could be different.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #139

Dear Awanas,

I'm sorry that I only used you to get out of class when I was in elementary school. I'm not entirely convinced that it was worth it, but hey, you live and learn...and then you stay in class because your parents won't buy you the vest you needed to continue on in Awanas.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #138

Dear Co-Worker,

I'm sorry that you walked in on me picking my nose in the "privacy" of my cubicle. Sometimes that barrier of a tissue between your finger and the crusty boogers is just too much. Sorry that you had to see that and that you probably didn't even notice the fresh tissue on my desk waiting in case I got something gross out of my left nostril.  But don't worry, I used hand sanitizer right after you caught me...but man, too bad you had to see that. Working in an office full of men (minus the front office lady) has turned me into a heathen.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #137

Dear People Who Write LOL ALL OF THE FLIPPING TIME,

I'm sorry, but you force me to hate you.  Learn how to write out a complete word or just type in "hahaha".

I don't think that we can be friends now.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #136

Dear Surprise Party Guests,

I'm sorry that you thought I was in charge of an in-laws birthday party just because his wife asked me to decorate. No, I do not think I can boss around the waiters for your amusement and no they cannot turn the lights off in this special room without turning them off in the entire restaurant...so please stop asking!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #135

Dear Jobs I'm Applying For,

I'm sorry that I am applying for jobs when I don't currently live in your particular state. I would move before getting a job, but you know, that whole responsibility thing keeps getting in the way.

Hopefully you can look past my current geographical situation and call me in for an interview.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #134

Dear Creepy Friend of my In-Laws,

I'm sorry I find you increasingly creepy every time I'm near you.  Maybe it is the fact that you find it necessary to claim ownership of our new niece even though you are a friend or that you unintentionally make us feel guilty for not being able to "go shopping for her every single day after work." I don't know, but you are creepy. And by the way, that baby belongs to me by blood, so when I ask to hold her, you should give her to me no questions asked.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #133

Dear Weight Watchers,

I'm sorry that you didn't adjust your points system sooner to help focus on healthy eating. Now that you have done so, maybe I'll lose more weight!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #132

Dear In-Laws,

I'm sorry that I am a little weirded out by the way you have recently decided that you love me and want to continually tell me that fact. It only took 8 years for you to do so and now I'm not sure what to make of it.  Guess I'll just take the love and dish it right back.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #131

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I'm sorry that you have to deal with insufferable people, but man, the stories they provide are pretty much priceless.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #130

Dear Co-Worker,

I'm sorry that you have not been able to concieve another child since having your first one in May...this, however, does not really give you free reign over what you leave, on display, in the bathroom.  If I wanted to know your menstrual cycle, I would just ask you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #129

Dear GI Tract,

I'm sorry I had to take a mixture of laxatives last night (aka The "Gut Bomb") so you would be happier. I'm also sorry that this had some disasterous results.

Maybe some day we can come up with a nice schedule, but until then, be warned.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #128

Dear Morning Commuters,

I'm sorry that you think it is a good idea to get into the fast lane when there isn't anyone in front of you in the middle lane.  When you do that, I have to slow down and I'm sorry for myself on that one. You have made me late more than once...and I'm sure you will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #127

Dear Mouse Living In The Garage,

I'm sorry that I screamed like a little girl when I almost picked you up out of the dog food container with the handy dog food scoop. Man, I wish I had that on film because it was pretty hilarious.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #126

Dear Food Network,

I'm sorry that I said that your recipie was going to be horrible, especially since everyone loved it.  But seriously, if you want to teach someone to carmelize sugar, maybe more instructions other than heat the sugar and water until the sugar melts and carmelizes would be best.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #125

Dear Becky,

I'm sorry that you have to get another weird operation to rewire your nerve endings so they don't feel pain. But honestly though, I would really appreciate not having to see your facebook status about it and how you can't go snow shoeing this year.

At least you're off the horse tranquilizers.

Sincerely,
Me

**before you judge me on this one, she's totally crazy...I have people who can vouch for that.

Apology #124

Dear Ms. Morris (High School English Teacher),

I'm sorry that I still use quotation marks in the most appropriate ways, which generally means that I am trying to convey sarcasm via quotes and italics.  Maybe someday I'll learn, but every time I hit the quotation mark keys, I think of you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #123

Dear Guncles (Gay Uncles for those of you not in the know),

I'm sorry that sometimes I need a night to myself and declined to watch that new movie, "Eat, Pray, Love" with you last night. But honestly, its not like we won't be over at your house all day Thursday, so I hope you get over the crushing disappointment!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #122

Dear Persistent Headache,

As much as I don't like to banish someone/something from my life, I believe that you are on my shit list. Time to move on and leave me alone before I get nasty!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #121

Dear Bananna,

I'm sorry that I haven't eaten you or your brethren in such a long time. This must change.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #120

Dear BBQ,

I'm sorry that you are so bad for me because I do really love you.  Too bad we must moderate how much we meet.

Such a sad day really.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #119

Dear Old Computer Monitor That Has Been Living At My Desk For 3 Years,

I'm sorry, but today was finally the day for us to leave one another's presence. I have enjoyed your company, but thanks to your absence, my cubicle is now clean, fresh and organized.

Maybe we will meet again someday...maybe.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #118

Dear Soup,

I'm sorry that I made you too salty.  This is why I never fully trust bullion cubes.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #117

Dear Body,

I'm not sure what I did to you for you to be rebelling this way, but for whatever I did, I am sorry...a million times sorry!!

Please forgive me for my transgressions...because feeling like crap is not how I wanted to spend my Monday.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #116

Dear Local Relatives,

I'm sorry that I am keeping my job hunt, that is for out of state jobs, a secret from you. I don't feel that the ensuing fights, arguements, tears and frustration will be worth it until I do have a job that we are unable to resist.

It feels dishonest, but I think that it is the best plan for now.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #115

Dear Trees,

I'm sorry that I had to print out a stack of files that seemed to take up the better part of a ream of paper.  At least it is going into the recycle bin!

You know, Trees, I wouldn't have done it if I could have helped it. Hopefully you won't be next =(

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #114

Dear Supplemental Insurance Rep At The Office Today,

I'm sorry that I didn't understand right away that you wanted to have lunch with me. I'm so used to working through my lunches that the thought didn't occur to me until you walked out of the door and drove over to the Wendy's drive thru. I'm so used to being ignored at the office that the exchange was unexpected.

Sorry!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #113

Dear Facebook Residents That Can't Spell,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to make me interpret your gibberish. There is a thing called spell check, you should learn how to use it.  (And before you try to "school" me, yes, I know that Facebook doesn't have spell check, but there are ways to get around that...don't show your ignorance right away, please try and fool the world into thinking that you can form a cohesive thought.)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #112

Dear Jaw,

I'm sorry that we have TMJ. It sucks balls big time.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #111

Dear Self,

I'm sorry that I let you down by not facing an issue you have with someone face on, although trying to avoid a confrontation in the middle of a birthday party where there is also a newborn was probably the best way to go in the situation you found yourself in.

Please know that you are doing the best you can and that in the future things will be better with said situation.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #110

Dear Clock,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to slow down time when I am only working a half day. This is totally unnecessary and you should be punished!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #109

Dear In-Law That Just Had The Baby,

I'm sorry that you like to post pictures of your newborn on facebook where her vagina is flashing the camera (in more than one picture)...I'm equally sorry that some day I will tell her of this humiliation.

Here's to being a new parent!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #108

Dear Mother-In-Law,

I'm sorry that you don't like me because I am quite fabulous once you get to know me.

Your loss.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #107

Dear Pivot Tables,

I'm sorry that I don't know how to use you correctly and apparently can't save you...ever...even when I hit the save button constantly the changes I made never seem to take hold.  Why, oh why, dear Pivot Table, do you hate me so?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #106

Dear Target Cashier,

I'm sorry that I had to come into the store all sweaty from the gym last night, but thank you for not having to do a price check over the loud speaker for the Miralax I had to buy.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #105

Dear Rice Cooker and Instruction Manual,

I'm sorry that I took your advice and only used half of the water I normally use for brown rice.  Subsequently I am eating dry rice...

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #104

Dear Political Candidates,

I'm sorry, but I think that your time and energy as well as numerous dollars would be better spent not sending me junk mail and hiring some phone bank to call every five minutes after 5pm.

You have officially made me not vote for you due to your harassment.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
Although the actual visits to my house would be a nice gesture if this was 1955, it is creepy and offensive when you pound on my door while I am lounging in the bathtub.

Apology #103

Dear Trick-Or-Treaters,

I'm sorry that your parents didn't want to take you out on a Sunday night to scavenge for candy, but kudos to the kids who stopped by our house because you got handfuls of delicious candy treats.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #102

Dear TMJ,

I'm sorry, but I hate you and the aches you bring.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #101

Dear Soon To Be Born Niece Or Nephew,

I'm sorry that you are being born to super religous people...but hey, at least you'll be able to visit with us and see the softer side of the world.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #100

Dear European Colleage Here For A Visit,

I'm sorry that you had a late flight, but I am not sorry that I asked my only friend in the office to cough in his hand before you shook it.  That's what you get for being mean to all of us =)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #99

Dear Mother-In-Law,

I'm sorry that you and I don't get along. I'm also sorry that I am envious of those who do love their child's spouse, or at the very least, tolerate them.

I'm not sorry, however, that the next time I see you, I will not be listening to anything that comes from you. I will be walking away with my head held high knowing that you can't do anything about it.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #98

Dear Vegans,

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with this.  Unless you live like a hermit and make everything yourself, there really isn't a true vegan out there.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #97

Dear Big-Wig From Europe Visiting This Week At The Office,

I'm sorry that I just don't like you or your accent.  Some days you sound like Hitler...and you aren't even from Germany.

What gives?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #96

Dear Wind,

I'm sorry, but you suck.  Gale force winds with clear and sunny skies? C'mon...at least give me some rain!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #95

Dear Toes,

I'm sorry that socks are not enough to help keep you warm during the winter months. Perhaps we need to get another cat and train it to sit directly on you.

Hmmm...possibilities.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #94

Dear Sibling and their Spouse,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to keep everything about your pregnancy so secretive. Especially the part where you sent me a text of the ultrasound and then posted it on facebook an hour later. A phone call would have been nice on this occasion, but maybe that's just me. Hope your kid is able to adjust quite nicely once it comes out since I'm fairly sure this means I won't be able to spend any time with them.

Good luck with that.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #93

Dear Office Mates,

I'm sorry that you have the Bubonic Plague, but you really should stay at home instead of infecting me...or anyone else in the office for that matter.

Also, I'm sorry that your mother never taught you to cover your mouth (preferably with your elbow) when you cough or to hold a tissue up to your nose when you sneeze.

You need some manners and lessons in personal hygine...but don't come knocking on my door with your germ encrusted hands...there's no amount of hand sanitizer that will make you go away.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #92

Dear Perez Hilton,

I'm sorry that I liked you better when you were "mean" to celebrities. I completely understand your new stance due to the bullying issues that have come to light all over the country, but this new, softer side of you just isn't the same.

For example, you once called a celebrity "Beef Curtains"...of course you were only repeating a rumor/nasty nickname, but nonetheless it was fairly humorous...this week, you called that same person, and I quote, "lovely and beautiful...how are you so adorable?"

I guess I'll have to try to be a better person like you are...but for now, I'm sorry, I still like to be immature =)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #91

Dear Co-Worker,

I'm sorry that you felt the need to NOT say anything when I had spinach in my teeth yesterday.  Please be forewarned that the same courtesy will be extended to you and will result in me laughing at you in my head.

Maybe next time we can work together to avoid embarassment in the correct manner.

Until then, spinach rules!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #90

Dear Cold Weather,

I'm sorry that I forgot how much you suck. Also, why is the air conditioner on in the office right now? I think I need a blanket.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #89

Dear Closed Minded Relatives,

I'm sorry that you think that sterotypes of people define them and then judge those individuals based on said stereotypes. That being said, I'm sorry to myself and those that were being judged for not speaking up in that moment to say that just because you have heard something about a group of people does not mean that it is true, especially for members of that group/race/community that you are related to.

Disappointment in so many different ways.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #88

Dear Stomach,

I'm sorry that after weeks of eating like a bird due to scheduling conflicts, your day with two complete meals has left you feeling not so great.  Guess next time we should eat like a bird even if a full plate is before us.

Sorry again.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #87

Dear Future Houseguests,

I'm sorry that you missed last night's hommade gumbo. It was delicious.

Not sure what to make you for dinner tonight since I used all of my inspiration yesterday.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #86

Dear Celebrity Couples Who Broke Up This Week (Christina Aguleria/Her Husband, Courtney Cox/David Arquette, Laura Dern/Ben Harper),

I'm sorry that I couldn't care less.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #85

Dear Floss,

I'm sorry that I have been neglecting you...or rather neglecting to use you. I promise to use you up...andsing that Bill Withers song while doing it.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #84

Dear Ouzo,

I'm sorry but we must never meet again. Every time we do, I end up blacking out. I only say this after recently getting newly found old rolls of actual film developed and not being able to remember that night (not because it was about 8 years ago, but because ouzo was poured down my throat by some scary Greek man). These pictures promptly reminded me of the other nights you and I had met and how I can't remember anything from then either.

Sorry, but it just won't work out anymore.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #83

Dear Body,

I'm sorry that I kept drinking on Saturday night even though I had switched to water and our host mysteriously took that glass and replaced it with some weird brandy/irish cream/coffee/whipped cream concoction.

I'm also sorry that you were hurting from said "culinary" exploration from that night's dinner. (Pseudo Greek food that seemd semi-questionable.)

Never again body, never again.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #82

Dear Stutter That I Mysteriously Developed This Morning,

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid our relationship must come to an immediate end. Stuttering over the word "green" when I have never previously stuttered before is an abomination.

Let's say we didn't meet and won't ever have to look at one another again.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #81

Dear Sweet Potatoes,

I'm sorry I never gave you the time of day until about 12 months ago when you were the only starch available in the house.  Oh how I have grown to love you.

Here's to our love affair!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #80

Dear Financial Gurus In My Life,

I'm sorry that conversations with me generally take about three times as long as they do with other people as I ask so many questions and have so many different things for you to look at.

But hey, at least I keep you employed and busy, right?

Here's to the next meeting.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #79

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry that I don't do a spectacular job when doing yours.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #78

Dear Cat,

I'm sorry that you thought it to be appropriate behavior this morning to vomit right next to my head, thus causing us to strip the bed at 5am.

I am not sorry, however, that I called you an a****le.

Cat = 1, Me = 0...for now.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #77

Dear Dog,

I'm sorry that we took you on a very long walk/hike yesterday that pooped you out, but I'm happy that you had fun even if you were fairly exhausted by the end of the day.

Maybe we'll go again next week so I can torture you some more =)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #76

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry that you appear to be incompetent.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #75

Dear Cousin,

I'm sorry that you thought that a handful of people could paint an entire house in one day...a house with 20 foot vaulted ceilings and a girlfriend who had a baby just a week prior.

I'm also sorry that you only thought to buy one large paint roller, thus making the goal fairly impossible.

I am not sorry, however, that we left when the sun set...7 hours of painting someone else's house is just too much!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #74

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry for slacking on my daily apologies. Please blame the day and a half of meetings I have been in which I had many great thoughts of apologies that were then dashed out by sales and marketing statistics.

I'll try harder to please you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #73

Dear Water,

I'm sorry I don't drink more of you for the obvious health benefits.  If only you didn't taste so...what is the word I'm looking for....like water?

Here's to trying!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #72

Dear Sunrise,

I'm sorry to say that though you are very lovely I really don't like seeing you...unless it is after a night of partying and your arrival is our signal to go home...but on the way to work, again, while I appreciate your beauty, I just don't want to see you.

Sincerely,
me

Apology #71

Dear Everyone Else Driving To Work at 6:45am,

I'm sorry that you like my car so much that you have to slow down traffic just to stare at it...I mean, that's really the only logical explaination for traffic to date!

I'll try harder to keep the exterior of said vehicle dirty and of no interest to you...maybe then we could all get to work on time.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #70

Dear Scale,

I'm sorry that I dread stepping on you when the occasion arises, even if I have been able to make that stupid number smaller over the past few months.

Still, you are not my friend and I'm sorry about that.  I just don't think our relationship is that healthy...

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #69

Dear People Who Update Facebook with "Mai" instead of "My",

I'm sorry, but you need to go back to school and until then, I am deleting you from my newsfeed.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #68

Dear Cousin Who JUST Had A C-Section,

Sorry that when I bent down to give you a goodbye hug, I accidently put pressure on your stomach and/or incision. Thank you for not crying out in pain and/or slapping me silly for hurting you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #67

Dear friends,

Sorry if I have ever given you advice.  After being on the receiving end this weekend and getting unwanted/unwarranted advice from quite a few people who have no idea what my life entails, I was ready to explode.  So I'm sorry that I ever gave you advice in the first place...how you didn't ever want to punch me in the face seems to be a miracle!

I'll try to do better in the future and keep my big mouth shut.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #66

Dear Mall That Is Sort Of Close-sh To My House,

Sorry that you are like a ghost town and that no one likes you anymore.  I believe that you hit your height of popularity during the late 80s and have been sliding into oblivion ever since.  I'm not sorry however, that I rarely visit you. When my muted footsteps are amplified by the cavernous empty space and you can hear me from 100 yards away because no one is there but me, maybe it is time to close up shop.

Good luck with that one. This economy is hard, but sometimes you just have to throw in the towel.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #65

Dear Dog,

I'm sorry that I did not take you on a walk last night as promised. I'm sure that playing in the house and backyard was not sufficient to release your doggie energy, so perhaps we shall go on an extended hike this weekend.

Sincerely,
Me (Your Bad Pet Owner)

Apology #64

Dear Thursday,

I'm sorry to say that you are no longer my favorite day of the week.  You have officially been replaced by Saturday, the day of sleeping in, hopefully lounging around and possibly some social interactions.

Gone are the days of "Thirsty Thursday" which entailed getting drunk and wreaking havoc on the fair city I then lived in, but alas, Thursdays now just mean I glare at the alarm clock and get out of bed slower than I did the day before.

Maybe someday we can like one another again Thursday, but I just don't see that happening until I retire.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #63

Dear Temp Worker from the shop,

I'm sorry that you happened to walk past my cubicle this morning around 7 to see me picking my nose.  What you missed was the wad of tissue in my other hand waiting for the spoils of war to be deposited.

Thank you for pretending not to notice my disgusting foray into "gold mining", but sometimes a tissue around your finger just isn't enough!

Again, my apologies.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #62

Dear "Walk & Tone" shoes,

I'm sorry that I mocked you in my offline life by saying that you are all ugly shoes and anyone who wears you is dumb...because you do come in some flattering styles that aren't ridiculous and I have to say that you actually work!

My apologies.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #61

Dear Burning Plastic Smell That Has Permiated Everything In The Office,

I'm not sure what caused you to exist in the hallowed halls of my office, but I would greatly appreciate if you would leave. I'm sorry to be asking this, but you have made me smell an awful lot like you and have given me a headache.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #60

Dear Self,

I'm sorry that I often-times let fear of the unknown creep in and either make me hesitant to go out and enjoy life to the fullest or to completely disown the idea in the first place.  Its time to stop being a scaredy cat and go for your dreams!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #59

Dear Fall,

As much as I love you as a season, I do not like the cold nights mixed with the warm days.  I'm sorry for this because I love you, your colors, smells, sights and sounds...just not the cold.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #58

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry that you seem to think I cannot comprehend what a closed door means.  Yes I know that you are busy which is why I sent you an email instead of opening your door.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #57

Dear Pregnant Friends and Family,

I'm sorry that you are desperate for us to engage in some bad decisions one night and get knocked up so we can join your ranks.  Don't worry, we'll let you know when the time has come and gone for our drunken shenannigans and in turn baby creation moment.  You will find out when we're good and ready to tell you!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #56

Dear Car,

I'm sorry that you have had to hear us talking about getting you a new sibling after trading in your old one, but rest assured that it is not you, so stop acting up!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #55

Dear Carpet Cleaning Cousin,

I'm sorry if I ever made fun of you and your chosen profession, especially since you helped me with the stupid oil slick in my car.

Here's to your future!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #54

Dear Park Ranger,

I'm sorry that I felt immense pleasure by the fact that you were winded when walking up the stairs during our tour.

Thank God it wasn't just me!

Sincerely,
"Catching My Breath" Me

Apology #53

Dear Used Oil Recycling Center,

Thank you for not accepting any more used automotive oil for recycling purposes.  That really made last night's ordeal seem so appropriate.

Dear Car,

I'm sorry that the said used oil from above that I was taking the the stupid oil recycling center spilled all over your interior and now you are being detailed to not only get the hazardous stuff out of you, but also its smell.  But hey, at least you will be cleaner after the tragic oil spill than before it happened, right? 

So sorry, in more than one way,
Me

Apology #52

Dear Dept. of Transportation,

I'm sorry that you find it necessary to make some road repairs and then stop from doing the obvious ones that are also in your current work path (ex. repaving a road that is perfectly fine, but leaving the HUGE craters on the intersecting road that you did not pave...OR repaving the highway which, yes, needed a new layer of asphault, but stopping literally two feet short of the huge divot missing on the off-ramp).

Seriously, I know that we all hate our jobs, but I think that you can do better than that.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #51

Dear Discovery Channel,

I'm not sorry about my earlier comments, but no one deserves to be held hostage.

My thoughts go out to you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #50

Dear "The Office",

I'm sorry I didn't fully appreciate your brilliance until quite recently and have now gone on an "Office" marathon.

I'm also sorry to those around me who do not work in offices that are uncannily like the one portrayed in the show and therefore do not understand my sudden outbursts of laughter.

I'm not sorry, however, to tell you to kiss it.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #49

Dear Spouse,

Although you do not know it yet because our anniversary is tomorrow, I'm sorry that I do not have a pen that automatically spell checks everything that I write.  I'm sorry that I had to point out said misspelled words, then rewrite them.  I'm also sorry that I was too feverish in my writing to make words legible.

This year's card will go down in the books as one of the sappiest and funniest cards I have ever given you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #48

Dear Co-Workers,

I'm sorry that I have garlic herb cream cheese breath today.

But it was so delish.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #47

Dear Discovery Channel,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to "dumb down" your programming as of late.  I do not understand why I need scientific principles explained to me in comic book fashion when I was perfectly capable of understanding Stephen Hawking when you featured his show.

Discovery Channel, I have to say that I'm ashamed of you.  Soon enough you will be competing with TLC in the "Toddlers & Tiara's" category.

To have lost one educational channel in an Idiocracy-esque way is bad enough, so please, for the love of all that is holy, stop your current train of thought and actually teach me something.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
If you really think that we are going to be able to stop a huge asteroid via an "Armegeddon" scenario, please stop daydreaming. The fact that you actually put that in your programming made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Apology #46

Dear 75 Cent Gas Station Vacuum Cleaner,

I'm sorry that I filled your guts with dirt, dog hair, mysterious gravel, gum wrappers and some mystery food that was hiding in our car.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
You might want to get clean yourself because after I used you, you reeked.

Apology #45

Dear Feelings & Emotions,

I'm sorry that I sometimes let you get the best of me.  You know that we have a certain agreement that states I will only let you out for a particular instance for one night and then we have to deal with the situation...Kind of like a one night special, only no one gets anything particularly nice from it.

I'm sorry that you want to run free and be out of control, but you did that during puberty and now is not the time to relive your glory days.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #44

Dear In-Laws that consistently show up unannounced,

While I appreciate your desire to be around us (because, let's be honest, who doesn't?) I'm sorry that I must insist that you call before just "dropping in".   There have been many instances when your unexpected visit was poorly timed, like the 50 visits you have made when I am taking a bath, when we are having "married time" or pretending to be nudists.

Please call next time...it will make life a lot less complicated.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #43

Dear fellow gym-mates,

I'm sorry for the free flowing snot coming out of my noise while on the eliptical.  But honestly, what would you rather see? Cottage cheese thighs or allergen laden mucus?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #42

Dear High School Classmates,

I'm sorry that I did not attend the 10 year reunion this past weekend because I was doing better things...things like going out and enjoying a ridiculously delish steak dinner instead of spending my time and money flying back home, driving down to our home town and then drinking poorly made drinks in the local dive bar.

Hope you had fun though!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #41

Dear Spouse,

I'm sorry that I managed to scratch my chin sometime during the middle of the night and ended up with a nice scabby looking thing on my face. I tried to convince everyone that you don't hit me, but seeing as how I'm so accident prone and generally covered with mystery bruises, I don't think they believe me.

I guess I'll just have to prove my klutziness at work by tripping over my feet while carrying a steaming cup of coffee and landing on my face getting rug burn from the industrial carpet.

Or maybe just stop injuring myself (at least where it is visible).

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #40

Dear www.Regretsy.com,

I'm sorry that I love you so much and that you are now my guilty anti-work pleasure.

Someday we may have to work this issue out.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #39

Dear Work Computer,

I'm sorry that I rarely use you for anything work related...mostly because when I do try to "work" you crap out on me.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #38

Dear Dog,

I'm sorry that you were sprayed by a skunk while we were gone and given two baths to help with the stench.  I'm also sorry that I gave you another bath last night and it appears to have made the smell even worse.

I'm triple sorry that I have to bathe you again this week with tomato juice since your grandfather didn't do that originally.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #37

Dear Last 15 Minutes of the Work Day,

I'm sorry that I hate you so much.  You really didn't do anything wrong, its just that you have been placed in a very precarious situation.

No hard feelings?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #36

Dear Body,

I'm sorry that I assumed that you would be immune to seasonal allergies and therefore have been treating you for the common cold.  I'm also sorry that you decided to become allergic to the AIR all of a sudden.

Maybe we can get on the same page soon because dripping snot and coughing all day long aren't really my thing.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #35

Dear Guests At My Brother's Wedding Reception,

Sorry Grandma said in an exceedingly loud voice so all could hear that my wedding was better.  It may or may not be the truth, but still!  And Grandma, I still love you, even after all of your bad behavior (who doesn't like a grandma with tattoos?)  =)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #34

Dear Beloved Cousin,

I'm sorry that Grandma decided to tell you that "you're almost my favorite".  We all know that means that I took the #1 spot because I am the shit.

I love you all the more because you laughed it off and told me that I was Grandma's favorite, even without her saying it.

You are truly the best!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #33

Dear Jerkwad that I work with,

I'm sorry that you're not getting any sleep due to your newborn son and that you think that it is your stay at home wife's responsibility to get up every time he screams.  I'm sorry that you are tired during the day which leads to you being cranky, but honestly, who can tell if you are cranky or not?  You've always been a douchebag and always will be a douchebag.

I'm not sorry though that Karma is a bitch and this is what you get for being such an ass all of the time.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #32

Dear Anyone Who Has Ever Come In Contact With Me and Dealth With My Amazing Memory,

I'm sorry that I can remember small details that everyone else things are inconsequential at the time, but relay great importance 5+ years down the road.

I'm also sorry that when I recall such facts from past experiences people think I'm a bit creepy.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #31

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry I shared my cold germs with you unknowingly the other day and that you are now all suffering.  Honestly though, why were we sharing drinks again?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #30

Dear Fruit,

I'm sorry, but you look too delicious not to eat.  Sorry for ending your life (well, really I didn't end your life, the poor, toiling farmer who raised you ended your life and now I'm eating your corpse).

Thanks for beling so tasty.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #29

Dear Past Mistakes,

I'm sorry that I made you, but in a way, I'm also grateful because I have learned so much from you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #28

For all who read this,

I'm sorry I'm slacking and this is only apology #28...I promise to be better, no taksies-backsies.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #27

Dear Spouse,

I'm sorry for being so gassy last night and waking you up with my fart.  Man, that one was a doozy!

Sincerely,
Me

PS
Beano does not work.

Apology #26

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry that I'm going on vacation and giving you more than one apology per day.  Trying to cover my bases, you know?  I'm going to try my hardest to be as far away from the computer as possible...so again, my apologies for front loading the daily apology and then missing a few days in between!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #25

Dear Weather,

I'm sorry that I cannot always support your decisions to change every five minutes.  Some days it is nice when you make the change from blizzard to nice sunny day...but today, the decision to be overcast and comfortable to 100+ degrees and then back to cloudy but hot is not so nice.

Get your shit together.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #24

Dear Bride to be,

I'm sorry that things get so hectic before a wedding and you realize three days before d-day that you have forgotten to invite your family (aka out of town guests) to dinner the night before.  You then send a message on facebook, tell me to call and forget to include your number after asking me to let you know how many of the family will be there.  Considering I live 2000 miles away from the rest of said family, gee, it's hard to say who will make it to this last minute dinner or not!

Sorry for my snarkiness, but seriously, get a planner!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #23

Dear Flight Attendant,

I'm sorry that you have to work on a pressurized tube that is hurtling through the sky at a ridiculous speed, but that does not, and I repeat DOES NOT, give you the right to hit me every time you pass with your drink cart.  If you hit me one more time I'm going to have to make a scene...and no one wants that...especially the US Marshall being all "incognito" on the flight.

So please, let's just work this out together.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #22

Dear Corporate Cell Phone Guy,

I'm sorry that you think a marketing person should have a phone that is over 2.5 years old.  Two years ago it was out dated! Now the battery doesn't work and you have suggested, then ordered a new battery for me.

I'm sorry that my phone will probably die before this new battery runs out of life and then you will be stuck sending me that extra phone you have tucked into a drawer, but do not want to send because then, and I quote, "I wouldn't have an extra phone then, now would I?"

I'm also sorry you are a douchebag.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #21

Dear Vacation,

I'm sorry that I cannot speed time up to make you get here faster, nor slow time down once you arrive.  I'm sure we will have a lovely time together, but I wish that it could be more like a month instead of a week.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #20

Dear Heartburn,

I'm sorry but I do not appreciate you visiting me, especially when I am at work.  It makes me feel like some air traffic controller in "Airplane" or a live TV show producer who is a parody of him/herself.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #19

Dear Gym,

I'm sorry that I do not like you, but that we are forced to see one another at least twice a week.  Unfortunately for both of us, my doctor would like me to see you more often than that.  Let's come together and agree to disagree with the doctor...because the doctor isn't always right.

Here's to a much more civilized partnership.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #18

Dear People WHO ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS,

I'm sorry, but I HATE YOU!!!!!! Stop being such a lazy fuck and use the goddamn shift key for once in your life.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #17

Dear Timeclock,

I'm sorry that I'm on overtime right now and that it is costing the company extra money for me to sit here and do nothing while my boss tries to figure out how to get his head out of his ass, but in the end, it really profits me, so I can't complain.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #16

Dear Any Number but 16,

I'm sorry, but 16 is my favorite number and the rest of you must be sad forever more.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #15

Dear Traffic,

I'm sorry that I neither understand you nor like you.  In fact, I hate your guts.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #14

Dear Fat Globules Sticking To My Inner Thighs,

I'm sorry that I am now dieting and not letting your brethren take up residence on my body anymore. 

I'm also sorry that I'm not eating the amazing, grease laden foods as I once used to...which also means that your fatty cousins can't move in.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #13

Dear People Who Can't Distinguish Between Faith & Religion,

I'm sorry that I cannot debate with you anymore.  Unfortunately you are unable to separate what true faith is vs. a building/ceremonies/chants/songs/someone telling you that you are going to hell even if you are one of the best people on the face of the earth (ie. religion).

True faith doesn't live in a building and I'm sorry you are unable to see that.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #12

Dear Lady Who Almost Hit Me,

I'm sorry that I was driving in the fast lane, going 5.5mph faster than the speed limit, with my lights on this morning at 6:45...I'm sorry that you didn't see me when you decided you wanted to go faster than the dude in front of you...and I'm sorry that I had to honk at you when you tried to side swipe me.

Maybe next time you should check your blind spot.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #11

Dear Guy who joined us camping, but who we don't really know,

Sorry everyone was so messed up on Saturday night...two full days of drinking will do that to you, especially when you are in the woods.  Not sure what your issue was though and why you decided to fill the role of antagonist, but thank you for going to bed early so I didn't have to worry about offending you any more.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #10

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry that you have gone over your budget.  It happens to the best of us and sure, you can get upset for a while, but then its time to move on and get over it.  I mean, how many times have I been there...where mac and cheese is a luxury?

Plus, this whole "being over budget" business really screws up my birthday plans since you were supposed to go camping with us.

So here's another apology...sorry that we "forced" gas money on you so you can go with us...it just wouldn't be the same without you!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #9

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry that I am not a mind reader.

I should be passing that class next semester, but so far, my vision is cloudy.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #8

Dear Mom & Dad,

I'm sorry that I never became:

• The President
• An Astronaut
• A Ballarina
• A Juggler
• The person to discover safe cold fusion
• Independently Wealthy (so I can take care of you in your old, decrepit age)
• A Professional Athlete
• A cowboy
• Or any combination of the aforementioned items.

I hope that you'll learn how to forgive me some day.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #7

Dear Guy Waiting For The Bus,

I'm sorry that I didn't notice you and started using my washer fluid this morning...which happened to spray all over you in a drive-by style setting.

I hope that I didn't ruin your day.  But honestly, that bus stop is literally right on the street and you were standing in the road...early morning karma or me not being full awake or caring?  You decide.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #6

Dear Old People,

I'm sorry, but when you try to learn a new technology and you say, "well duh" repeatedly...well, you are just too darn cute!  I'm sorry to say it, but its the truth!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #5

Dear Fashion Gods,

I'm sorry that I had to buy a Hawaiian shirt last week.  You know in your heart of hearts that I would not willingly do this, but it was for a Luau themed wedding and the dress code was strictly enforced.  Please note that I will be burning said shirt in a week's time as an offering to you and your mighty power.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #4

Dear Body,

I'm sorry I drank so much vodka last night because now you are punishing me. I guess it is only fair since we are both another year older and vodka doesn't leave us nice and perky as it once did when we were 18.

But seriously Body, can't we just work together? It was our birthday party after all!

Let's talk about this soon.

Sincerely,

Me

Apology #3

Dear Facebook Friends,

I'm sorry that I don't always respond or "like" your status updates.  Sometimes I find them very interesting, but most of the time I find it dull and drab...especially when you post Bible verses.  Not that I have anything against the Bible, but having Leviticus shoved down my throat at 6:53am when I should be working and am instead checking facebook to make sure everyone is still alive isn't really my cup of tea.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #2

Dear Spiders, Earwigs and other creepy-crawlies that are trying to move into my house,

I'm sorry, but I had to kill you last night.  I am insanely terrified of you crawling into my mouth, ear and/or any other orafice my body has. If you ever manage to do that, I envision you setting up shop and throwing a housewarming party where all of your other gross friends will get drunk, pass out and then vomit all over me.

So again, I'm sorry that I had to kill you and many of your other friends last night, but as you can see, it was necessary.

Word of advice, you stay out of my home, I'll stay out of yours.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #1

Dear Pregnant Lady Who Uses The Communal Bathroom After Me,

I'm sorry for the smells that sometimes linger in the bathroom.  I know that they are terribly offensive to your nose and I do try to spray that awful orange stuff you left on the back of the toilet, but I think that this somehow makes things worse.

Sincerely,
Me