Apology #258

Dear US Postal Service Office,

I'm sorry that I just assumed that you would be open at 8am like the rest of civilization...I mean, today is a workday.

I guess I have to go back and fight in the trenches to send my package off in the mail.

Why do you have to make everything so difficult?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #253

Dear The Word: "Snarky",

I'm sorry, but I believe that you are over used and misunderstood.

Therefore, I hate you and try like the dickens not to use you. I'm actually ashamed that I used you here...never again...never again.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #249

Dear Douchebag Engineer That No Longer Works In This Office,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to hit "reply all" to a message that was sent to you earlier this morning, and then proceed to delete my email address from the "To" line.

What are you, 12? Last time I checked, you were rapidly approaching 40.

Grow up.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #205

Dear Friend of a Friend, I'm sorry that you are completely bonkers and think that I'm trying to "steal" your/our friend away from you. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the only truth that is blindingly apparent is that you kind of suck as a friend and that's probably why you are upset. Maybe someday you will get over it. Sincerely, Me PS Selling drugs to said friend's spouse when they are on probation and then not telling said friend about it = really messed up.

Apology #200

Dear Title Company, I'm sorry that you decided, on your own, to change items on the deed to my house, then had me sign that paperwork only to declare that it was invalid three days later...because of your mistake. I'm also sorry that you do not seem to want to admit that you made said mistake. Everyone involved knows that it was you, so why not own up to it? Sincerely, Me

Apology #198

Dear EU Co-Worker Here This Week, I'm sorry, but I can't seem to focus on my actual work with you constantly interrputing me, asking me how to use the phone for the 5th time, demanding that I redo an organizational chart because you can't remember names, and/or just asking me how life is going when I can't understand you due to your thick accent and scary windburned face. Sincerely, Me

Apology #194

Dear Preggo, I'm sorry that you are having marital issues, especially since you are 7 months pregnant. I'm also sorry that I am constantly fighting the urge to say, "I told you so". Maybe someday you will get your life in order, but right now, things aren't looking too good. Sincerely, Me

Apology #177

Dear Sarah Palin, I'm sorry, but you are horrible. Sincerely, Me

Apology #33

Dear Jerkwad that I work with,

I'm sorry that you're not getting any sleep due to your newborn son and that you think that it is your stay at home wife's responsibility to get up every time he screams.  I'm sorry that you are tired during the day which leads to you being cranky, but honestly, who can tell if you are cranky or not?  You've always been a douchebag and always will be a douchebag.

I'm not sorry though that Karma is a bitch and this is what you get for being such an ass all of the time.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #23

Dear Flight Attendant,

I'm sorry that you have to work on a pressurized tube that is hurtling through the sky at a ridiculous speed, but that does not, and I repeat DOES NOT, give you the right to hit me every time you pass with your drink cart.  If you hit me one more time I'm going to have to make a scene...and no one wants that...especially the US Marshall being all "incognito" on the flight.

So please, let's just work this out together.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #22

Dear Corporate Cell Phone Guy,

I'm sorry that you think a marketing person should have a phone that is over 2.5 years old.  Two years ago it was out dated! Now the battery doesn't work and you have suggested, then ordered a new battery for me.

I'm sorry that my phone will probably die before this new battery runs out of life and then you will be stuck sending me that extra phone you have tucked into a drawer, but do not want to send because then, and I quote, "I wouldn't have an extra phone then, now would I?"

I'm also sorry you are a douchebag.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #18

Dear People WHO ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS,

I'm sorry, but I HATE YOU!!!!!! Stop being such a lazy fuck and use the goddamn shift key for once in your life.

Sincerely,
Me