Apology #232

Dear Local Friends and family,

I'm sorry that I have to keep secrets from you...they are for your own good because they are about things I'm thinking of doing, not things that have already been decided upon...and please do not think that this means I'm going to off myself or anything...it means that these things are life changing in a most positive manner...maybe not positive for you, but definitely positive for me and my spouse.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #228

Dear Friend Who Gave Birth Recently, I'm sorry to tell you that the wonder of your childbirth is something I am ok not witnessing a second time. Also, please stop telling my spouse and myself to get on the baby train...after what I saw, I think it is going to take a while. Sincerely, Me

Apology #225

Dear Local Friends and Family, I'm sorry that we are going to play this one close to the chest and not tell you what our current plans for the future are. I would love to share with you what is going on and how excited I am at our current future prospects, but I would rather avoid you making a scene until it is absolutely necessary. I think that it is better for all of us if we continue down this current path of secrecy. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Sincerely, Me

Apology #210

Dear Massage Therapist, I'm sorry that I cheated on you when we went to get a couples massage. I was reminded how awesome you are and how much I appreciate you...which you know since we left you a ridiculous voicemail apologizing for cheating on you about 30 seconds after we left our appointment. No more cheating! Sincerely, Me

Apology #208

Dear Vegan, Gluten Free Friends, I'm sorry that I cannot make everything gluten free and vegan...but at least I now know that Crisco is vegan and something you can eat, therefore, helping me to understand that you can eat some non-healthy things...oh, and thanks for teaching me that you can also eat fritos...that, for some reason, is fascinating~ Sincerely, Me

Apology #205

Dear Friend of a Friend, I'm sorry that you are completely bonkers and think that I'm trying to "steal" your/our friend away from you. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the only truth that is blindingly apparent is that you kind of suck as a friend and that's probably why you are upset. Maybe someday you will get over it. Sincerely, Me PS Selling drugs to said friend's spouse when they are on probation and then not telling said friend about it = really messed up.

Apology #196

Dear Friends I Haven't Seen In A Long Time, I'm sorry I'm so bad about picking up the phone and calling you. I sometimes feel like you must be as tired, or even more so, than I am and therefore don't mind spending an hour on the phone catching up on the most recent shenanigans. I'll try to do better. Sincerely, Me

Apology #194

Dear Preggo, I'm sorry that you are having marital issues, especially since you are 7 months pregnant. I'm also sorry that I am constantly fighting the urge to say, "I told you so". Maybe someday you will get your life in order, but right now, things aren't looking too good. Sincerely, Me

Apology #190

Dear Friend Who Didn't Get That Job, I'm sorry that you didn't get the job you had hoped for, but knowing and understanding what has been going on in your life the past few months, maybe it is a good thing...for now. Please don't give up though!!! Sincerely, Me

Apology #184

Dear Friends I Don't See or Talk With That Often, I'm sorry for that. But I am very happy when we are able to pick up our conversations and friendship as if the last time we saw one another was just yesterday. Thanks for that. Sincerely, Me

Apology #32

Dear Anyone Who Has Ever Come In Contact With Me and Dealth With My Amazing Memory,

I'm sorry that I can remember small details that everyone else things are inconsequential at the time, but relay great importance 5+ years down the road.

I'm also sorry that when I recall such facts from past experiences people think I'm a bit creepy.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #31

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry I shared my cold germs with you unknowingly the other day and that you are now all suffering.  Honestly though, why were we sharing drinks again?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #10

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry that you have gone over your budget.  It happens to the best of us and sure, you can get upset for a while, but then its time to move on and get over it.  I mean, how many times have I been there...where mac and cheese is a luxury?

Plus, this whole "being over budget" business really screws up my birthday plans since you were supposed to go camping with us.

So here's another apology...sorry that we "forced" gas money on you so you can go with us...it just wouldn't be the same without you!

Sincerely,
Me