Dear Spiders, Earwigs and other creepy-crawlies that are trying to move into my house,
I'm sorry, but I had to kill you last night. I am insanely terrified of you crawling into my mouth, ear and/or any other orafice my body has. If you ever manage to do that, I envision you setting up shop and throwing a housewarming party where all of your other gross friends will get drunk, pass out and then vomit all over me.
So again, I'm sorry that I had to kill you and many of your other friends last night, but as you can see, it was necessary.
Word of advice, you stay out of my home, I'll stay out of yours.
Sincerely,
Me
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