Apology #264

Dear Office Mates,

I'm sorry that I kept my door closed for most of yesterday, but really, you should be thanking me. Due to some unforeseen "complications" from eating soup with beans in it, well...I'm guessing you know where this is going. Let's just say that I'm sorry that things got a little smelly...but at least I spared you from the bulk of it!

Thanks be to whomever invented scented room spray. They are my hero.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
Smells from yesterday have completely dissapated and we will NOT be having a similar situation today...hopefully.

Apology #263

Dear Potential New Job,

I'm sorry that somehow you will probably not have the right salary range for me. You sound like a wonderful job where I can grow, but if I receive an offer from you, I'm not sure I can accept...mostly because it wouldn't be just another job...it would mean that we would move across the country and start a new life.

That being said though, we are in a tough economy and you will most likely offer me more than I am currently making. I'm not sure if I can realisticly expect more than what I am guessing you will offer.

Only time will tell.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #262

Dear New Guy,

I'm sorry, but you seem imcompetent. It is hard to respect you when you make such rash, unthought-out decisions.

But then again, I'm not in your shoes...so even though it is hard to respect you, I'll try to be nice...as much as I can that is.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #261

Dear Coffee,

I'm sorry that I don't drink you more often. I know that I should due to the incredible health benefits you provide, but the whole coffee breath/nasty mouth combo you leave me with is really gross...and I don't like to share that with most people.

I guess I'll try harder to utilize you more...but we'll just have to play that one by ear.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #260

Dear Work,

I'm sorry that you are not fulfilling anything other than my need to pay bills/pay my mortgage. Sitting here, waiting desperately for another project to be approved, is starting to kill me.

I'd like to say that I'm sorry for trying to find another job, but that would be dishonest.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #259

Dear Guy In The Shop,

I'm sorry that you are ridiculously stressed out...mostly because I told you to calm the fuck down yesterday and then you ended up in the emergency room thinking you were having a heart attack.

Seriously, I'm sorry that you can't get your body to run in harmony with you. Just a reminder though, we aren't curing cancer so you shouldn't get that stressed over work.

Just sayin.

Feel better!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #258

Dear US Postal Service Office,

I'm sorry that I just assumed that you would be open at 8am like the rest of civilization...I mean, today is a workday.

I guess I have to go back and fight in the trenches to send my package off in the mail.

Why do you have to make everything so difficult?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #257

Dear Aspen,

I thought you were going to be somewhat cool because of your portrayal in "Dumb and Dumber" but you really sucked. You weren't even like any of the other mountain towns we have visted...and that I expected you to be like.

Sorry you didn't live up to the hype and that I will most likely never visit you again, unless it is to see the Hunter S. Thompson Memorial.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #256

Dear Co-Worker,

I'm sorry that I have been a bit snappy lately...but you do know that it is month end and that every other department besides yours has to compile reports that take at least a day and a half to complete?

Yeah, I don't really like to be bothered when I'm balls deep in a spreadsheet.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #255

Dear Cube Farm,

I'm sorry, but the best part about having an office is being able to close the door and drown out the incessant bitching that seems to be taking place every single second of the work day. Aim high, and then you too might be able to bitch about work behind a closed door.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #254

Dear New Guy,

I'm sorry that you seem incompetent. I'm also sorry that I can't seem to help myself from rolling my eyes after every single conversation we have.

Hopefully I'll get over that soon.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #253

Dear The Word: "Snarky",

I'm sorry, but I believe that you are over used and misunderstood.

Therefore, I hate you and try like the dickens not to use you. I'm actually ashamed that I used you here...never again...never again.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #252

Dear Alarm System Company,

I'm sorry that you had to be here first thing Monday morning. I'm mostly sorry though that your being here caused the alarm to been constantly and for a ridiculously long amount of time before anyone had ingested any hint of caffine.

You suck.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #251

Dear Camping Neighbors,

I'm sorry that we were a-hootin and a-hollerin for most of Saturday night...well, when I say sorry, it really means that I'm not in this case because we had a crapload of fun and I didn't really appreciate your stink eye Sunday morning when you decided it would be nice to walk your three MASSIVE pit bulls by our camp just to tell me that, "gee, you guys had fun last night, huh?"

Yes...yes we did.

Sorry, but not really...oh...and I said that to your face too.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #250

Dear Broke Co-Worker,

I'm sorry that you had to give your house to the bank and now the fact that your husband is spending a few extra dollars on his car is giving you a heart attack. Not sure what snarky thing I can say...mostly because you have a 15 month old child at home and are 5 months pregnant.

Good luck with that!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #249

Dear Douchebag Engineer That No Longer Works In This Office,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to hit "reply all" to a message that was sent to you earlier this morning, and then proceed to delete my email address from the "To" line.

What are you, 12? Last time I checked, you were rapidly approaching 40.

Grow up.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #248

Dear Trip To San Francisco,

I'm sorry, but we won't be making you next weekend...soon though, soon...I will be eating in your garlicy and fog-ridden restaurants after taking in your sights.

Until then...

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #247

Dear Jango,

I'm sorry, but why do you think I need to listen to smooth jazz today? That's definitely not helping with my headache...or with other people's opinions of me today.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #246

Dear Readers,

I sincerely apologize that I have not aplogized for anything since mid-April. You see, things have been a bit crazy...and actually pretty good the past 5 months...so all apologies aside, I'm still sorry and I'll think of ways to make it up to you!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #245

Dear Man Standing Outside of Wal-Mart,

I'm sorry that it seemed to me as though you were talking passionate to the cars driving by...you looked like a crazy person, but my guess is that you had a blue tooth on that was obscured by your long hippie hair. Get a job.

Sincerely, Me

**Note -- I feel I must clarify why I was driving past the Wal-Mart...you see, our grocery store, pet store and Wal-Mart all share the same parking lot, so unless I want to fight traffic getting on or off the highway, driving past the entrance of said store is inevitable.

Apology #244

Dear Front Office Chick,

I'm sorry that you seem to think that wearing spandex pants and/or leggings is ok just because they are black. They are NOT ok. Even if you were a size 2, they would not be ok...and honey, you are far from being in that size 2. Please do us all a favor and burn them when you get home.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #243

Dear Dog,

I'm sorry that I'm taking you to the groomers on Friday. Last time you were there you seem traumatized, but I'm guessing that was from the HUGE pit bull next to you that barked in your face the entire time. Poor Puppy. But at least you'll be clean for about 5 minutes after I pick you up! Always a plus =)

Sincerely, Me

Apology #242

Dear Guys In The Shop,

I'm sorry that you didn't realize you were cutting an active water pipe and then ended up with a flood on your hands. I am not sorry, however, that we had to stay here sans accessbile toilets until you fixed your mistake.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #241

Dear Gym,

I'm sorry I haven't seen you in over a week now. A part of me actually misses you...mostly because when I am able to visit you and get my sweat all over you, that means I'm healthy...and when I don't see you, that means I'm either on vacation (I wish!) or sick (super lame). Hopefully we'll see one another soon.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #240

Dear Crazy People of the World,

I'm sorry that you are crazy, but thank you for making me feel so well adjusted.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #239

Dear Cranky Police Officer In The Unmarked Car Yesterday,

I'm sorry that you deal with jerks all day long. I'm sorry that this has skewed your view of people...although, I can't say that I'm surprised with the caliber of people you must interact with daily. I'm also sorry that you were trying to block my way home yesterday, but did such an unsuccessful job that I thought you were pulling someone over in a weird way instead of actually blocking said road.

Therefore, no need to be an a*hole when I apologize for trying to go around your weird stop...but at least you sort of melted when I explained that you just stopping in the road like you did, didn't really signify that things were closed...oh well...at least you are there to help us when things go wrong. And thank you for that.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #238

Dear Truck Drivers,

I'm sorry that you have to make a living by sitting on your butt for hours on end, getting hemmeroids, worrying about jerk drivers, and eating crap food... BUT that does not give you the right to give me the stink eye when I have the right of way (not just me thinking I have the right of way, but you are coming out of a parking lot and I am on the actual street...so real right of way) and you have to stop for me.

Maybe get more coffee.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #237

Dear Mechanical Engineer In My Office,

I'm sorry that you love to maintain such a wall around you so that no one here even knows that your wife is pregnant with your second child. That is something to celebrate, even for a jerk like you. I only know because you will talk with your friends and family about it when they call during the day and you talk loud enough that people can deduce what you are discussing even through a closed door.

I pray that your children turn out somewhat well adjusted.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #236

Dear IRS,

I'm sorry that you seem to think we owe you a whopping $31 this year. How is that even possible? Guess it is time to readjust my W4...but seriously, I was counting on that fatty check you generally send me every year around this time.

You suck.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #235

Dear Gramps,

I'm sorry that you had to celebrate another year without Grams...although, to be selfish, I kind of like having you around =)

Sincerely, Me

Apology #234

Dear Uncle and all of his party guests,

I'm sorry that I had such bad gas on Saturday night. I tried to walk away from groups into rooms with open windows, but apparently that smell wanted to follow me.

Thanks for not saying anything...because it was embarrassing =(

Sincerely, Me

Apology #233

Dear Work,

I'm sorry that I'm applying for new jobs during business hours, using your computer and your internet connection. If only you actually had something for me to do! I know I shouldn't complain about that, but unlike a vast majority of people, I actually like to be busy during work hours instead of pretending to be busy...makes the day go by faster. S

incerely, Me

Apology #232

Dear Local Friends and family,

I'm sorry that I have to keep secrets from you...they are for your own good because they are about things I'm thinking of doing, not things that have already been decided upon...and please do not think that this means I'm going to off myself or anything...it means that these things are life changing in a most positive manner...maybe not positive for you, but definitely positive for me and my spouse.

Sincerely, Me

Apology #231

Dear Mom and Dad, I'm sorry that my brother, your son, does not think about your feelings. I know that someday he will look back on this past 10 year period and wonder what happened and probably blame some external force instead of thinking about the things he did and how he could have changed them. I guess that if it is any consolation, at least you still have me. Sincerely, Me

Apology #230

Dear Doggins, I'm sorry that I made you go for a run while I rode my bike on Saturday. I'm glad that we turned around when we did so you could get some rest. I guess we need to get you back in running condition...shouldn't be too hard since you are part greyhound! Sincerely, Me

Apology #229

Dear Endocrinologist, I'm sorry, but I think that you are fairly ridiculous in thinking that upping my workouts to 5 days a week of non-stop cardio is actually going to make a difference...adding one extra hour may help a bit, but it definitely won't melt that extra 25 lbs off! Sincerely, Me

Apology #228

Dear Friend Who Gave Birth Recently, I'm sorry to tell you that the wonder of your childbirth is something I am ok not witnessing a second time. Also, please stop telling my spouse and myself to get on the baby train...after what I saw, I think it is going to take a while. Sincerely, Me

Apology #227

Dear Lymph-nodes, I'm sorry that you are currently pissed off and that drinking copious amounts of water is not helping. Please give me some sign that you are getting better soon! Sincerely, Me

Apology #226

Dear Car, I'm sorry that I doubted you would pass your emmissions test last week due to your "check engine" light being on. Thankfully you were able to prove me wrong and I was very grateful for that =) Sincerely, Me

Apology #225

Dear Local Friends and Family, I'm sorry that we are going to play this one close to the chest and not tell you what our current plans for the future are. I would love to share with you what is going on and how excited I am at our current future prospects, but I would rather avoid you making a scene until it is absolutely necessary. I think that it is better for all of us if we continue down this current path of secrecy. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Sincerely, Me

Apology #224

Dear In-Laws We Had Dinner With Over The Weekend, I'm sorry that we were not entertaining enough for you and that you had to keep looking over our heads and around us to scan the room for people you might know and impress by dining at a fancy-schmancy restaurant. I'm also sorry that you decided to order side dishes that were completely unnecessary and more than doubled our bill...but hey, that's my fault for not speaking up. Maybe I'll do better next time. Sincerely, Me

Apology #223

Dear Brother and Sister-in-Law, I'm sorry that I don't feel ridiculous amounts of love for your newborn daughter as of yet. I'm not sure how invested I want to become with your child since you only sort of started talking with me again after an almost 4 year hiatus. Hopefully the day will come where I don't have to worry about not loving my niece enough, because I already will. Sincerely, Me

Apology #222

Dear Month Of March, I'm sorry that you are one of the snowiest months in this part of the world and that you are not quite living up to your reputation. I would like just one good snow storm that gives me a reason to stay at home...c'mon and knock the power out at the office so we HAVE to shut down...just make sure that my neighborhood remains nice and toasty! Sincerely, Me

Apology #221

Dear Doctor, I'm sorry that you felt the need to point out the obvious, that upping my workouts to 5 times a week, including the 1 hour of ridiculous cardio that I do each time I'm at the gym, will help me lose weight. Thank you Captain Obvious! Sincerely, Me

Apology #220

Dear Guy In My Office, I'm sorry that you are feeling depressed and have had the thought run across your mind that you have nothing to live for. But I am happy that I got a laugh and a smile out of you when I reminded you that you do, in fact, have something to live for...your dog. Since that ball of fur won't live with anyone else, I'm thinking you're plenty needed! Sincerely, Me

Apology #219

Dear Leftovers, I'm sorry, but some days you are better than others. Today is one of those days where I wish your performance was a bit better. Sincerely, Me

Apology #218

Dear Guy Interviewing In The Next Room Right Now, I'm sorry if you get a job here. Maybe you will like it, but the intelligence level seems to be so low some days that if you have any sort of brain, you will want to walk away. Totally understandable. Sincerely, Me

Apology #217

Dear Cell Phone, I'm sorry, but you suck. You were cool for about three seconds and then newer, sleeker versions of much nicer phones came out and made you seem obsolite. Oh well...that's the price I pay for not wanting to sign a ridiculous contract right now. Sincerely, Me

Apology #216

Dear Tuesday Morning, I'm sorry that when I woke up, I thought you were Thursday. What a harsh reality to come crashing into. Sincerely, Me

Apology #215

Dear Current Job, I'm sorry that I use my time with you to search for new opportunities. Luckily I am able to work fast so I still look like I'm being productive. Sincerely, Me

Apology #214

Dear Dream House, I'm sorry, but you will just have to wait a few more months for me to buy you. Try to put off bad vibes for anyone else who looks at you, but if you can't, I guess I'll have to forgive you. Sincerely, Me

Apology #213

Dear Friday, I'm sorry that I was confused this morning and thought you were Thursday. What a happy surprise! Sincerely, Me

Apology #212

Dear Crude Oil Prices, I'm sorry, but I fear that if you continue to climb, the global economy will be on the brink of collapse again. I'm not sure if 2% of the global supply is worth a $70/barrel jump...but then again, I like to be cautious. Sincerely, Me

Apology #211

Dear Job Hunting In A Different State, I'm sorry, but you suck. Sincerely, Me

Apology #210

Dear Massage Therapist, I'm sorry that I cheated on you when we went to get a couples massage. I was reminded how awesome you are and how much I appreciate you...which you know since we left you a ridiculous voicemail apologizing for cheating on you about 30 seconds after we left our appointment. No more cheating! Sincerely, Me

Apology #209

Dear People At My Gym, Sorry that I have started to wear tighter clothes to work out in. I figure that they are more for motivating me to work out my flab than for you to stare at my ass. Good luck with that. Sincerely, Me

Apology #208

Dear Vegan, Gluten Free Friends, I'm sorry that I cannot make everything gluten free and vegan...but at least I now know that Crisco is vegan and something you can eat, therefore, helping me to understand that you can eat some non-healthy things...oh, and thanks for teaching me that you can also eat fritos...that, for some reason, is fascinating~ Sincerely, Me

Apology #207

Dear Mom, I'm sorry that you are sick and had to stay home from work. Really though, I'm sorry that you called me in the middle of the day when you were bored and wanted to talk when I was actually busy for the first time in months. I guess it is sort of payback for the times I have called you when you are at work. Maybe we should try calling each other at night like normal people =) Sincerely, Me

Apology #206

Dear Elder In-Laws, I'm sorry, but you asking and/or talking about our sex life is off limits. That is all. Sincerely, Me

Apology #205

Dear Friend of a Friend, I'm sorry that you are completely bonkers and think that I'm trying to "steal" your/our friend away from you. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the only truth that is blindingly apparent is that you kind of suck as a friend and that's probably why you are upset. Maybe someday you will get over it. Sincerely, Me PS Selling drugs to said friend's spouse when they are on probation and then not telling said friend about it = really messed up.

Apology #204

Dear Primary Care Physician, I'm sorry that I feel the need to give you a lengthy explaination on why I would like to see a specialist when you are overworked and could probably give a crap about me seeing someone else for a change. Hope you don't get *sick* of me =) Sincerely, Me

Apology #203

Dear Sibling, I'm sorry that I was worried that you would be upset by the gift we sent for you and your new baby. You seemed perfectly delighted and that makes me happy. Sorry for ever doubting you. Sincerely, Me

Apology #202

Dear In-Laws With A Baby, I'm sorry that we never see you. Not sure why we never get together, but it does sadden me a bit that you see the other side of your family at least once a week. Here's to ridiculous schedules. Sincerely, Me

Apology #201

Dear Winter Weather, I'm sorry that I wished for you over the Christmas holiday. You seem so nice back then. Now I pretty much loathe you...unless you can snow enough to close down my office (which would take a miracle)...so maybe let's work on that. Sincerely, Me

Apology #200

Dear Title Company, I'm sorry that you decided, on your own, to change items on the deed to my house, then had me sign that paperwork only to declare that it was invalid three days later...because of your mistake. I'm also sorry that you do not seem to want to admit that you made said mistake. Everyone involved knows that it was you, so why not own up to it? Sincerely, Me

Apology #199

Dear Readers, I'm sorry that it has been so long between apologies. Not really sure why...just life, you know? So I'm sorry and I promise I'll try to do better...until the next time I fall off the almost-daily posting wagon. Sincerely, Me

Apology #198

Dear EU Co-Worker Here This Week, I'm sorry, but I can't seem to focus on my actual work with you constantly interrputing me, asking me how to use the phone for the 5th time, demanding that I redo an organizational chart because you can't remember names, and/or just asking me how life is going when I can't understand you due to your thick accent and scary windburned face. Sincerely, Me

Apology #197

Dear Parents Who Live In A Different State, I'm sorry that I haven't called in three weeks. I'll call later on this week. The snow/ice combo is making me turn into a hermit (aka lazy). Sincerely, Me

Apology #196

Dear Friends I Haven't Seen In A Long Time, I'm sorry I'm so bad about picking up the phone and calling you. I sometimes feel like you must be as tired, or even more so, than I am and therefore don't mind spending an hour on the phone catching up on the most recent shenanigans. I'll try to do better. Sincerely, Me

Apology #195

Dear Notary of the Public Who Came To My House Last Night, I'm sorry that your employer failed to tell both you and me that my spouse needed to be present during my refinance closing and that you had to drive us to his place of employment so he could sign three pieces of paper. But hey, at least I was able to feel like a pimp riding around in a Mercedes SUV. Thanks. Sincerely, Me

Apology #194

Dear Preggo, I'm sorry that you are having marital issues, especially since you are 7 months pregnant. I'm also sorry that I am constantly fighting the urge to say, "I told you so". Maybe someday you will get your life in order, but right now, things aren't looking too good. Sincerely, Me

Apology #193

Dear Cold Weather, -14 degrees is not cool. I'm sorry that you seem to think otherwise. Sincerely, Me

Apology #192

Dear Girl On The Treadmill Next To Me That Weighs Exactly 1/2 of My Body Weight, I'm sorry that I snuck a peek at your weight when you entered it into the machine, but seriously, don't you think that it is time to eat a hamburger or some bacon and get some meat on your bones? Sincerely, Me

Apology #191

Dear Tuesday, I'm sorry that I keep thinking you are Wednesday. I'll try to do better next time. Sincerely, Me

Apology #190

Dear Friend Who Didn't Get That Job, I'm sorry that you didn't get the job you had hoped for, but knowing and understanding what has been going on in your life the past few months, maybe it is a good thing...for now. Please don't give up though!!! Sincerely, Me

Apology #189

Dear Promotional Codes Found Online, I'm sorry, but you seem to rarely work. Not sure why I keep on checking and trying to use you, but alas, such is life. Sincerely, Me

Apology #188

Dear Greek Yogurt, I'm sorry that I didn't understand how awesome you are until a few days ago. Now you are a staple in my diet. Sincerely, Me

Apology #187

Dear Tooth With Crown On It, I'm sorry that I decided to chew on a lollipop yesterday and that you decided to come off unexpectedly. Thank you though, for reminding me that I don't need to eat candy. Sincerely, Me

Apology #186

Dear Walnuts, I'm sorry that you slightly resemble a brain and that eating you when in half form makes me slightly nervous. Sincerely, Me

Apology #185

Dear Full Moon, I'm sorry that I only get to enjoy your beauty once a month, but happy that the crazies you drag out from beneath their rocks stay hidden until you shine brightly. Sincerely, Me

Apology #184

Dear Friends I Don't See or Talk With That Often, I'm sorry for that. But I am very happy when we are able to pick up our conversations and friendship as if the last time we saw one another was just yesterday. Thanks for that. Sincerely, Me

Apology #183

Dear Front Office Lady, I'm sorry that your husband was hurt at work and is now at home on workman's comp. I'm also sorry that he is unable to watch your 9 month old baby because he cannot pick anything up over 20 lbs. But I am kind of disappointed in you that you are bringing said 9 month old baby to the office where she screams the entire time. Maybe you should look at a different day care provider...I'll even help! Sincerely, Me

Apology #182

Dear Guy Who Microwaved Something That Smells Alarmingly Like Vomit, I'm sorry that you are eating that. I don't know what it is, but by the smell of it, it shouldn't be in the office, let alone going into your body. Maybe its time to go grocery shopping...just sayin! Sincerely, Me

Apology #181

Dear Iced Over Street I Must Cross On My Way Into The Office Every Morning, I'm sorry you are icy. But I am not sorry that I have managed, so far, to stay upright while crossing you. Now that I have jinxed myself though, you and my bottom will soon be meeting in a very unfortunate way. Sincerely, Me

Apology #180

Dear Dog, I'm sorry that you always look forlorn, even when you are at your happiest. Those sad puppy dog eyes make me wonder what your internal monologue is or if you are just trying to pull one over on me. Sincerely, Me

Apology #179

Dear Alien-esque Arachnid In My Bathroom This Morning, I'm sorry that I underestimated your speed when contemplating whether or not I should try to kill you in my morning haze. Let's call it even and you stay hidden and not inbetween my blankets or in my shoes. Sounds good, right? Sincerely, Me

Apology #178

Dear Blood Donation Center, I'm sorry that it has been so long between appointments. I know that you need my precious blood. Now you just need to convince me that you aren't a mob-esque front for some vampires and we'll be good to go. Either way, we'll be seeing you tomorrow. Sincerely, Me

Apology #177

Dear Sarah Palin, I'm sorry, but you are horrible. Sincerely, Me

Apology #176

Dear Driveway, I'm sorry that we shoveled you during a break in the latest snow storm only to wake up the next morning to four more inches covering you. I'm also sorry that I had to shovel you last night in the dark when the temperature dipped below zero. Such is life. Sincerely, Me

Apology #175

Dear Comcast Representative, I'm sorry for having to call you because we didn't know that you had to add in the -- (dashes) to our wifi code. We are apparently morons. Sincerely, Me

Apology #174

Dear Costco, I'm sorry that the sheer vastness of your building fooled me into buying two TVs that I thought were going to be smaller once they arrived at my house. Not that I'm complaining, but man, those things are big! Sincerely, Me

Apology #173

Dear Women I Know Who Lost Their Husbands Recently, I'm sorry that you have lost your husband. It makes it worse that you were pregnant at the time. I know a few of you and I am so tremendously sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what pain you have gone through even with the joy of having a new baby around. Sincerely, Me

Apology #172

Dear European Work Counterpart,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to boss me around from an ocean and most of a continent away. It may be imperative to remind you, once again, that you are not my boss, but my counterpart...hence the reason we have the same title.

Good luck with taming your ego once that balloon is popped!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #171

Dear Resident Douche in the Office,

I'm sorry that you have unfortunate taste in your ringtones. Every time your phone goes off and I have to hear it, I have to fight the urge to strangle you, throw your phone in a snow bank and drive over said snow bank and you.

Maybe it is time you invest in something a little less annoying.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #170

Dear Front Office Chick,

I'm sorry that you think your life is so engrossing that everyone in the office would like you to tell us about your trials and trivails multiple times in the same day.

Newsflash: No one cares.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #169

Dear Readers,

This is my third apology to you for my recent rash of apologies that are going to bog down your system whenever you read them. The rapid succession is due to my lack of planning as well as my hiatus from technology over the winter holidays.

Sorry for the trouble.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #168

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry that you felt the need to criticize my in-laws and their parenting ability. Thank goodness you didn't do it to their face, but I understand your need to vent it. I, too, see things that aren't being done the way that I might do them, but their child is not yours nor is it your grandchild...so as much as we would like to step in and intervene, things must play out the way they are. We can interfere as diplomatically as possible, which is what we are doing, but getting angry over these things is not a great idea.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #167

Dear Awesome Aunt and Uncle,

I'm sorry that your adopted daughter was taken out of your home a month ago due to her crazy, irratic behavior. I know that you have done your best for her, but when a child becomes violent for no reason, it is probably best that they be taken out of their current home situation for some intense one on one therapy with an outside professional.

I wish you all of the best.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #166

Dear Body,

I'm sorry for all of the over-indulgences you and I partook in over the past two weeks. I vow to do better.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #165

Dear Corporate Office,

I'm sorry that you didn't see fit to close down all offices/brances the week between Christmas and New Years. It probably would have been a very cost effective move for you since those of us who had to come in did absolutely nothing.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #164

Dear Jerk I Work With,

I'm sorry that you didn't take a three week vacation as I had hoped. Two weeks without you just wasn't enough.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #163

Dear Cold Weather,

I'm sorry that you have decided to have an extended stay here in my neck of the woods. It isn't that I hate the snow that you bring, I hate the ice. Snow away, but at least warm up during the cloudless sunny day after a storm to melt the thick layer of ice covering our street and making traction for our tires impossible!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #162

Dear Dog,

I'm sorry that you hate the cold weather we have been having and that you refuse to go outside to "do your business" without having a chaperone. Yes, I know that you don't have much hair and that you are skinny and have no insulation, but you can't go #1 and/or #2 in the house or garage so get out there in the snow and be free!!!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #161

Dear Father-In-Law,

I'm sorry that you love to complain and argue so much. Some days I feel like hitting you over the head with a 2x4 to make you see reason, but I know that would just make things worse. Maybe I should try inventing a mute button for you instead...that would probably be more beneficial than day dreaming about you ceasing to complain.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #160

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry that I am filling up your day with my apologies, especially since it was due to my procrastination and lack of wanting to be around technology during the holidays. Don't despair though, you should only have a few more entries to read before we are finally caught up!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #159

Dear Brother,

I'm sorry that it took you a few years to figure out that I'm the only cool sibling you have and that not speaking with me is totally pointless. BUT I'm thankful that you finally figured it out and have started an open dialoge again.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
I'm still not sure why you stopped speaking with me in the first place and seeing as how you have given me a few different reasons that are totally incongruent, I'm not sure you remember either. Any way you boil it down, I'm still happy you are over whatever you were going through.

Apology #158

Dear Mother,

I'm sorry that I was happy to see you standing in line at airport security because it meant you were going home after a week long visit. Not that I don't love you and/or didn't enjoy your visit, because I really do and did...but it is nice having our house back to an un-guesty state.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #157

Dear Guy Who Got Behind Me This Morning And Tailgated For The Rest Of My Drive,

I'm sorry that you decided tailgating is an appropriate behavior at 6:45am, but thank you for using the wrong turn signal to get into the fast lane, thus indicating that you were not the fuzz getting ready to pull me over for speeding.

Word to the wise, if you are getting into the left lane, use your left turn signal...not your right. If, in fact, you did do this, I'm sorry, but it seems you need to visit your local mechanic. If you do not know the difference between left and right, I'm sorry for that as well because it means you need to go back to pre-school.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #156

Dear Uninvited Guests On Christmas Eve,

I'm sorry that you weren't invited to eat the scant food we had prepared for the five of us to eat that night...but seeing as how you helped yourself and didn't care if you left any food for the people who actually live there, well, all I have to say is I'm sorry that you don't have any manners.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #155

Dear Uncle Who Hosted Christmas Day Dinner,

I'm sorry that I opened up my big trap and told the cousins that we were going over to your house for dinner and that they invited themselves without telling you before hand. To be honest, they did tell you 1-3 days before hand, but considering that you were making prime rib and bought it well in advance, I'm sure more warning would have been welcome.

Anyways, I'm sorry that they did that and for my part in them inviting themselves.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #154

Dear Church We Went To On Christmas Eve For My Mom,

I'm sorry that I got my hopes up in thinking that maybe, just maybe we would chance it on a regular Sunday to visit you. Then you had to get all weird and talk about "Those Jewish Leaders" and "People Who Are Sexually Broken" and lost me.

Thank you though for reminding me why I don't go to church anymore.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
What does "sexually broken" really mean? Did you mean my beloved gays???

Apology #153

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry to say that I slacked off over the holiday period and did not delivery you daily apolgies. Trust me, there were plenty and you will see them soon.

Another apology to you: you will have about 20 of them to go through after today.

Sorry!!

Sincerely,
Me