Apology #27

Dear Spouse,

I'm sorry for being so gassy last night and waking you up with my fart.  Man, that one was a doozy!

Sincerely,
Me

PS
Beano does not work.

Apology #26

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry that I'm going on vacation and giving you more than one apology per day.  Trying to cover my bases, you know?  I'm going to try my hardest to be as far away from the computer as possible...so again, my apologies for front loading the daily apology and then missing a few days in between!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #25

Dear Weather,

I'm sorry that I cannot always support your decisions to change every five minutes.  Some days it is nice when you make the change from blizzard to nice sunny day...but today, the decision to be overcast and comfortable to 100+ degrees and then back to cloudy but hot is not so nice.

Get your shit together.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #24

Dear Bride to be,

I'm sorry that things get so hectic before a wedding and you realize three days before d-day that you have forgotten to invite your family (aka out of town guests) to dinner the night before.  You then send a message on facebook, tell me to call and forget to include your number after asking me to let you know how many of the family will be there.  Considering I live 2000 miles away from the rest of said family, gee, it's hard to say who will make it to this last minute dinner or not!

Sorry for my snarkiness, but seriously, get a planner!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #23

Dear Flight Attendant,

I'm sorry that you have to work on a pressurized tube that is hurtling through the sky at a ridiculous speed, but that does not, and I repeat DOES NOT, give you the right to hit me every time you pass with your drink cart.  If you hit me one more time I'm going to have to make a scene...and no one wants that...especially the US Marshall being all "incognito" on the flight.

So please, let's just work this out together.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #22

Dear Corporate Cell Phone Guy,

I'm sorry that you think a marketing person should have a phone that is over 2.5 years old.  Two years ago it was out dated! Now the battery doesn't work and you have suggested, then ordered a new battery for me.

I'm sorry that my phone will probably die before this new battery runs out of life and then you will be stuck sending me that extra phone you have tucked into a drawer, but do not want to send because then, and I quote, "I wouldn't have an extra phone then, now would I?"

I'm also sorry you are a douchebag.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #21

Dear Vacation,

I'm sorry that I cannot speed time up to make you get here faster, nor slow time down once you arrive.  I'm sure we will have a lovely time together, but I wish that it could be more like a month instead of a week.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #20

Dear Heartburn,

I'm sorry but I do not appreciate you visiting me, especially when I am at work.  It makes me feel like some air traffic controller in "Airplane" or a live TV show producer who is a parody of him/herself.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #19

Dear Gym,

I'm sorry that I do not like you, but that we are forced to see one another at least twice a week.  Unfortunately for both of us, my doctor would like me to see you more often than that.  Let's come together and agree to disagree with the doctor...because the doctor isn't always right.

Here's to a much more civilized partnership.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #18

Dear People WHO ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS,

I'm sorry, but I HATE YOU!!!!!! Stop being such a lazy fuck and use the goddamn shift key for once in your life.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #17

Dear Timeclock,

I'm sorry that I'm on overtime right now and that it is costing the company extra money for me to sit here and do nothing while my boss tries to figure out how to get his head out of his ass, but in the end, it really profits me, so I can't complain.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #16

Dear Any Number but 16,

I'm sorry, but 16 is my favorite number and the rest of you must be sad forever more.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #15

Dear Traffic,

I'm sorry that I neither understand you nor like you.  In fact, I hate your guts.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #14

Dear Fat Globules Sticking To My Inner Thighs,

I'm sorry that I am now dieting and not letting your brethren take up residence on my body anymore. 

I'm also sorry that I'm not eating the amazing, grease laden foods as I once used to...which also means that your fatty cousins can't move in.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #13

Dear People Who Can't Distinguish Between Faith & Religion,

I'm sorry that I cannot debate with you anymore.  Unfortunately you are unable to separate what true faith is vs. a building/ceremonies/chants/songs/someone telling you that you are going to hell even if you are one of the best people on the face of the earth (ie. religion).

True faith doesn't live in a building and I'm sorry you are unable to see that.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #12

Dear Lady Who Almost Hit Me,

I'm sorry that I was driving in the fast lane, going 5.5mph faster than the speed limit, with my lights on this morning at 6:45...I'm sorry that you didn't see me when you decided you wanted to go faster than the dude in front of you...and I'm sorry that I had to honk at you when you tried to side swipe me.

Maybe next time you should check your blind spot.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #11

Dear Guy who joined us camping, but who we don't really know,

Sorry everyone was so messed up on Saturday night...two full days of drinking will do that to you, especially when you are in the woods.  Not sure what your issue was though and why you decided to fill the role of antagonist, but thank you for going to bed early so I didn't have to worry about offending you any more.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #10

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry that you have gone over your budget.  It happens to the best of us and sure, you can get upset for a while, but then its time to move on and get over it.  I mean, how many times have I been there...where mac and cheese is a luxury?

Plus, this whole "being over budget" business really screws up my birthday plans since you were supposed to go camping with us.

So here's another apology...sorry that we "forced" gas money on you so you can go with us...it just wouldn't be the same without you!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #9

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry that I am not a mind reader.

I should be passing that class next semester, but so far, my vision is cloudy.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #8

Dear Mom & Dad,

I'm sorry that I never became:

• The President
• An Astronaut
• A Ballarina
• A Juggler
• The person to discover safe cold fusion
• Independently Wealthy (so I can take care of you in your old, decrepit age)
• A Professional Athlete
• A cowboy
• Or any combination of the aforementioned items.

I hope that you'll learn how to forgive me some day.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #7

Dear Guy Waiting For The Bus,

I'm sorry that I didn't notice you and started using my washer fluid this morning...which happened to spray all over you in a drive-by style setting.

I hope that I didn't ruin your day.  But honestly, that bus stop is literally right on the street and you were standing in the road...early morning karma or me not being full awake or caring?  You decide.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #6

Dear Old People,

I'm sorry, but when you try to learn a new technology and you say, "well duh" repeatedly...well, you are just too darn cute!  I'm sorry to say it, but its the truth!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #5

Dear Fashion Gods,

I'm sorry that I had to buy a Hawaiian shirt last week.  You know in your heart of hearts that I would not willingly do this, but it was for a Luau themed wedding and the dress code was strictly enforced.  Please note that I will be burning said shirt in a week's time as an offering to you and your mighty power.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #4

Dear Body,

I'm sorry I drank so much vodka last night because now you are punishing me. I guess it is only fair since we are both another year older and vodka doesn't leave us nice and perky as it once did when we were 18.

But seriously Body, can't we just work together? It was our birthday party after all!

Let's talk about this soon.

Sincerely,

Me

Apology #3

Dear Facebook Friends,

I'm sorry that I don't always respond or "like" your status updates.  Sometimes I find them very interesting, but most of the time I find it dull and drab...especially when you post Bible verses.  Not that I have anything against the Bible, but having Leviticus shoved down my throat at 6:53am when I should be working and am instead checking facebook to make sure everyone is still alive isn't really my cup of tea.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #2

Dear Spiders, Earwigs and other creepy-crawlies that are trying to move into my house,

I'm sorry, but I had to kill you last night.  I am insanely terrified of you crawling into my mouth, ear and/or any other orafice my body has. If you ever manage to do that, I envision you setting up shop and throwing a housewarming party where all of your other gross friends will get drunk, pass out and then vomit all over me.

So again, I'm sorry that I had to kill you and many of your other friends last night, but as you can see, it was necessary.

Word of advice, you stay out of my home, I'll stay out of yours.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #1

Dear Pregnant Lady Who Uses The Communal Bathroom After Me,

I'm sorry for the smells that sometimes linger in the bathroom.  I know that they are terribly offensive to your nose and I do try to spray that awful orange stuff you left on the back of the toilet, but I think that this somehow makes things worse.

Sincerely,
Me