Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Apology #192
Dear Girl On The Treadmill Next To Me That Weighs Exactly 1/2 of My Body Weight, I'm sorry that I snuck a peek at your weight when you entered it into the machine, but seriously, don't you think that it is time to eat a hamburger or some bacon and get some meat on your bones? Sincerely, Me
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Apology #191
Dear Tuesday, I'm sorry that I keep thinking you are Wednesday. I'll try to do better next time. Sincerely, Me
Apology #190
Dear Friend Who Didn't Get That Job, I'm sorry that you didn't get the job you had hoped for, but knowing and understanding what has been going on in your life the past few months, maybe it is a good thing...for now. Please don't give up though!!! Sincerely, Me
Apology #189
Dear Promotional Codes Found Online, I'm sorry, but you seem to rarely work. Not sure why I keep on checking and trying to use you, but alas, such is life. Sincerely, Me
Apology #188
Dear Greek Yogurt, I'm sorry that I didn't understand how awesome you are until a few days ago. Now you are a staple in my diet. Sincerely, Me
Apology #187
Dear Tooth With Crown On It, I'm sorry that I decided to chew on a lollipop yesterday and that you decided to come off unexpectedly. Thank you though, for reminding me that I don't need to eat candy. Sincerely, Me
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Apology #186
Dear Walnuts, I'm sorry that you slightly resemble a brain and that eating you when in half form makes me slightly nervous. Sincerely, Me
Apology #185
Dear Full Moon, I'm sorry that I only get to enjoy your beauty once a month, but happy that the crazies you drag out from beneath their rocks stay hidden until you shine brightly. Sincerely, Me
Apology #184
Dear Friends I Don't See or Talk With That Often, I'm sorry for that. But I am very happy when we are able to pick up our conversations and friendship as if the last time we saw one another was just yesterday. Thanks for that. Sincerely, Me
Apology #183
Dear Front Office Lady, I'm sorry that your husband was hurt at work and is now at home on workman's comp. I'm also sorry that he is unable to watch your 9 month old baby because he cannot pick anything up over 20 lbs. But I am kind of disappointed in you that you are bringing said 9 month old baby to the office where she screams the entire time. Maybe you should look at a different day care provider...I'll even help! Sincerely, Me
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Apology #182
Dear Guy Who Microwaved Something That Smells Alarmingly Like Vomit, I'm sorry that you are eating that. I don't know what it is, but by the smell of it, it shouldn't be in the office, let alone going into your body. Maybe its time to go grocery shopping...just sayin! Sincerely, Me
Monday, January 17, 2011
Apology #181
Dear Iced Over Street I Must Cross On My Way Into The Office Every Morning, I'm sorry you are icy. But I am not sorry that I have managed, so far, to stay upright while crossing you. Now that I have jinxed myself though, you and my bottom will soon be meeting in a very unfortunate way. Sincerely, Me
Apology #180
Dear Dog, I'm sorry that you always look forlorn, even when you are at your happiest. Those sad puppy dog eyes make me wonder what your internal monologue is or if you are just trying to pull one over on me. Sincerely, Me
Apology #179
Dear Alien-esque Arachnid In My Bathroom This Morning, I'm sorry that I underestimated your speed when contemplating whether or not I should try to kill you in my morning haze. Let's call it even and you stay hidden and not inbetween my blankets or in my shoes. Sounds good, right? Sincerely, Me
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Apology #178
Dear Blood Donation Center, I'm sorry that it has been so long between appointments. I know that you need my precious blood. Now you just need to convince me that you aren't a mob-esque front for some vampires and we'll be good to go. Either way, we'll be seeing you tomorrow. Sincerely, Me
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Apology #176
Dear Driveway, I'm sorry that we shoveled you during a break in the latest snow storm only to wake up the next morning to four more inches covering you. I'm also sorry that I had to shovel you last night in the dark when the temperature dipped below zero. Such is life. Sincerely, Me
Apology #175
Dear Comcast Representative, I'm sorry for having to call you because we didn't know that you had to add in the -- (dashes) to our wifi code. We are apparently morons. Sincerely, Me
Apology #174
Dear Costco, I'm sorry that the sheer vastness of your building fooled me into buying two TVs that I thought were going to be smaller once they arrived at my house. Not that I'm complaining, but man, those things are big! Sincerely, Me
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Apology #173
Dear Women I Know Who Lost Their Husbands Recently, I'm sorry that you have lost your husband. It makes it worse that you were pregnant at the time. I know a few of you and I am so tremendously sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what pain you have gone through even with the joy of having a new baby around. Sincerely, Me
Apology #172
Dear European Work Counterpart,
I'm sorry that you feel the need to boss me around from an ocean and most of a continent away. It may be imperative to remind you, once again, that you are not my boss, but my counterpart...hence the reason we have the same title.
Good luck with taming your ego once that balloon is popped!
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you feel the need to boss me around from an ocean and most of a continent away. It may be imperative to remind you, once again, that you are not my boss, but my counterpart...hence the reason we have the same title.
Good luck with taming your ego once that balloon is popped!
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #171
Dear Resident Douche in the Office,
I'm sorry that you have unfortunate taste in your ringtones. Every time your phone goes off and I have to hear it, I have to fight the urge to strangle you, throw your phone in a snow bank and drive over said snow bank and you.
Maybe it is time you invest in something a little less annoying.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you have unfortunate taste in your ringtones. Every time your phone goes off and I have to hear it, I have to fight the urge to strangle you, throw your phone in a snow bank and drive over said snow bank and you.
Maybe it is time you invest in something a little less annoying.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #170
Dear Front Office Chick,
I'm sorry that you think your life is so engrossing that everyone in the office would like you to tell us about your trials and trivails multiple times in the same day.
Newsflash: No one cares.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you think your life is so engrossing that everyone in the office would like you to tell us about your trials and trivails multiple times in the same day.
Newsflash: No one cares.
Sincerely,
Me
Monday, January 3, 2011
Apology #169
Dear Readers,
This is my third apology to you for my recent rash of apologies that are going to bog down your system whenever you read them. The rapid succession is due to my lack of planning as well as my hiatus from technology over the winter holidays.
Sorry for the trouble.
Sincerely,
Me
This is my third apology to you for my recent rash of apologies that are going to bog down your system whenever you read them. The rapid succession is due to my lack of planning as well as my hiatus from technology over the winter holidays.
Sorry for the trouble.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #168
Dear Mom,
I'm sorry that you felt the need to criticize my in-laws and their parenting ability. Thank goodness you didn't do it to their face, but I understand your need to vent it. I, too, see things that aren't being done the way that I might do them, but their child is not yours nor is it your grandchild...so as much as we would like to step in and intervene, things must play out the way they are. We can interfere as diplomatically as possible, which is what we are doing, but getting angry over these things is not a great idea.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you felt the need to criticize my in-laws and their parenting ability. Thank goodness you didn't do it to their face, but I understand your need to vent it. I, too, see things that aren't being done the way that I might do them, but their child is not yours nor is it your grandchild...so as much as we would like to step in and intervene, things must play out the way they are. We can interfere as diplomatically as possible, which is what we are doing, but getting angry over these things is not a great idea.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #167
Dear Awesome Aunt and Uncle,
I'm sorry that your adopted daughter was taken out of your home a month ago due to her crazy, irratic behavior. I know that you have done your best for her, but when a child becomes violent for no reason, it is probably best that they be taken out of their current home situation for some intense one on one therapy with an outside professional.
I wish you all of the best.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that your adopted daughter was taken out of your home a month ago due to her crazy, irratic behavior. I know that you have done your best for her, but when a child becomes violent for no reason, it is probably best that they be taken out of their current home situation for some intense one on one therapy with an outside professional.
I wish you all of the best.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #166
Dear Body,
I'm sorry for all of the over-indulgences you and I partook in over the past two weeks. I vow to do better.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry for all of the over-indulgences you and I partook in over the past two weeks. I vow to do better.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #165
Dear Corporate Office,
I'm sorry that you didn't see fit to close down all offices/brances the week between Christmas and New Years. It probably would have been a very cost effective move for you since those of us who had to come in did absolutely nothing.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you didn't see fit to close down all offices/brances the week between Christmas and New Years. It probably would have been a very cost effective move for you since those of us who had to come in did absolutely nothing.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #164
Dear Jerk I Work With,
I'm sorry that you didn't take a three week vacation as I had hoped. Two weeks without you just wasn't enough.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you didn't take a three week vacation as I had hoped. Two weeks without you just wasn't enough.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #163
Dear Cold Weather,
I'm sorry that you have decided to have an extended stay here in my neck of the woods. It isn't that I hate the snow that you bring, I hate the ice. Snow away, but at least warm up during the cloudless sunny day after a storm to melt the thick layer of ice covering our street and making traction for our tires impossible!
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you have decided to have an extended stay here in my neck of the woods. It isn't that I hate the snow that you bring, I hate the ice. Snow away, but at least warm up during the cloudless sunny day after a storm to melt the thick layer of ice covering our street and making traction for our tires impossible!
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #162
Dear Dog,
I'm sorry that you hate the cold weather we have been having and that you refuse to go outside to "do your business" without having a chaperone. Yes, I know that you don't have much hair and that you are skinny and have no insulation, but you can't go #1 and/or #2 in the house or garage so get out there in the snow and be free!!!
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you hate the cold weather we have been having and that you refuse to go outside to "do your business" without having a chaperone. Yes, I know that you don't have much hair and that you are skinny and have no insulation, but you can't go #1 and/or #2 in the house or garage so get out there in the snow and be free!!!
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #161
Dear Father-In-Law,
I'm sorry that you love to complain and argue so much. Some days I feel like hitting you over the head with a 2x4 to make you see reason, but I know that would just make things worse. Maybe I should try inventing a mute button for you instead...that would probably be more beneficial than day dreaming about you ceasing to complain.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you love to complain and argue so much. Some days I feel like hitting you over the head with a 2x4 to make you see reason, but I know that would just make things worse. Maybe I should try inventing a mute button for you instead...that would probably be more beneficial than day dreaming about you ceasing to complain.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #160
Dear Readers,
I'm sorry that I am filling up your day with my apologies, especially since it was due to my procrastination and lack of wanting to be around technology during the holidays. Don't despair though, you should only have a few more entries to read before we are finally caught up!
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that I am filling up your day with my apologies, especially since it was due to my procrastination and lack of wanting to be around technology during the holidays. Don't despair though, you should only have a few more entries to read before we are finally caught up!
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #159
Dear Brother,
I'm sorry that it took you a few years to figure out that I'm the only cool sibling you have and that not speaking with me is totally pointless. BUT I'm thankful that you finally figured it out and have started an open dialoge again.
Sincerely,
Me
PS
I'm still not sure why you stopped speaking with me in the first place and seeing as how you have given me a few different reasons that are totally incongruent, I'm not sure you remember either. Any way you boil it down, I'm still happy you are over whatever you were going through.
I'm sorry that it took you a few years to figure out that I'm the only cool sibling you have and that not speaking with me is totally pointless. BUT I'm thankful that you finally figured it out and have started an open dialoge again.
Sincerely,
Me
PS
I'm still not sure why you stopped speaking with me in the first place and seeing as how you have given me a few different reasons that are totally incongruent, I'm not sure you remember either. Any way you boil it down, I'm still happy you are over whatever you were going through.
Apology #158
Dear Mother,
I'm sorry that I was happy to see you standing in line at airport security because it meant you were going home after a week long visit. Not that I don't love you and/or didn't enjoy your visit, because I really do and did...but it is nice having our house back to an un-guesty state.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that I was happy to see you standing in line at airport security because it meant you were going home after a week long visit. Not that I don't love you and/or didn't enjoy your visit, because I really do and did...but it is nice having our house back to an un-guesty state.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #157
Dear Guy Who Got Behind Me This Morning And Tailgated For The Rest Of My Drive,
I'm sorry that you decided tailgating is an appropriate behavior at 6:45am, but thank you for using the wrong turn signal to get into the fast lane, thus indicating that you were not the fuzz getting ready to pull me over for speeding.
Word to the wise, if you are getting into the left lane, use your left turn signal...not your right. If, in fact, you did do this, I'm sorry, but it seems you need to visit your local mechanic. If you do not know the difference between left and right, I'm sorry for that as well because it means you need to go back to pre-school.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you decided tailgating is an appropriate behavior at 6:45am, but thank you for using the wrong turn signal to get into the fast lane, thus indicating that you were not the fuzz getting ready to pull me over for speeding.
Word to the wise, if you are getting into the left lane, use your left turn signal...not your right. If, in fact, you did do this, I'm sorry, but it seems you need to visit your local mechanic. If you do not know the difference between left and right, I'm sorry for that as well because it means you need to go back to pre-school.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #156
Dear Uninvited Guests On Christmas Eve,
I'm sorry that you weren't invited to eat the scant food we had prepared for the five of us to eat that night...but seeing as how you helped yourself and didn't care if you left any food for the people who actually live there, well, all I have to say is I'm sorry that you don't have any manners.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you weren't invited to eat the scant food we had prepared for the five of us to eat that night...but seeing as how you helped yourself and didn't care if you left any food for the people who actually live there, well, all I have to say is I'm sorry that you don't have any manners.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #155
Dear Uncle Who Hosted Christmas Day Dinner,
I'm sorry that I opened up my big trap and told the cousins that we were going over to your house for dinner and that they invited themselves without telling you before hand. To be honest, they did tell you 1-3 days before hand, but considering that you were making prime rib and bought it well in advance, I'm sure more warning would have been welcome.
Anyways, I'm sorry that they did that and for my part in them inviting themselves.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that I opened up my big trap and told the cousins that we were going over to your house for dinner and that they invited themselves without telling you before hand. To be honest, they did tell you 1-3 days before hand, but considering that you were making prime rib and bought it well in advance, I'm sure more warning would have been welcome.
Anyways, I'm sorry that they did that and for my part in them inviting themselves.
Sincerely,
Me
Apology #154
Dear Church We Went To On Christmas Eve For My Mom,
I'm sorry that I got my hopes up in thinking that maybe, just maybe we would chance it on a regular Sunday to visit you. Then you had to get all weird and talk about "Those Jewish Leaders" and "People Who Are Sexually Broken" and lost me.
Thank you though for reminding me why I don't go to church anymore.
Sincerely,
Me
PS
What does "sexually broken" really mean? Did you mean my beloved gays???
I'm sorry that I got my hopes up in thinking that maybe, just maybe we would chance it on a regular Sunday to visit you. Then you had to get all weird and talk about "Those Jewish Leaders" and "People Who Are Sexually Broken" and lost me.
Thank you though for reminding me why I don't go to church anymore.
Sincerely,
Me
PS
What does "sexually broken" really mean? Did you mean my beloved gays???
Apology #153
Dear Readers,
I'm sorry to say that I slacked off over the holiday period and did not delivery you daily apolgies. Trust me, there were plenty and you will see them soon.
Another apology to you: you will have about 20 of them to go through after today.
Sorry!!
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry to say that I slacked off over the holiday period and did not delivery you daily apolgies. Trust me, there were plenty and you will see them soon.
Another apology to you: you will have about 20 of them to go through after today.
Sorry!!
Sincerely,
Me
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)