Apology #47

Dear Discovery Channel,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to "dumb down" your programming as of late.  I do not understand why I need scientific principles explained to me in comic book fashion when I was perfectly capable of understanding Stephen Hawking when you featured his show.

Discovery Channel, I have to say that I'm ashamed of you.  Soon enough you will be competing with TLC in the "Toddlers & Tiara's" category.

To have lost one educational channel in an Idiocracy-esque way is bad enough, so please, for the love of all that is holy, stop your current train of thought and actually teach me something.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
If you really think that we are going to be able to stop a huge asteroid via an "Armegeddon" scenario, please stop daydreaming. The fact that you actually put that in your programming made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Apology #46

Dear 75 Cent Gas Station Vacuum Cleaner,

I'm sorry that I filled your guts with dirt, dog hair, mysterious gravel, gum wrappers and some mystery food that was hiding in our car.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
You might want to get clean yourself because after I used you, you reeked.

Apology #45

Dear Feelings & Emotions,

I'm sorry that I sometimes let you get the best of me.  You know that we have a certain agreement that states I will only let you out for a particular instance for one night and then we have to deal with the situation...Kind of like a one night special, only no one gets anything particularly nice from it.

I'm sorry that you want to run free and be out of control, but you did that during puberty and now is not the time to relive your glory days.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #44

Dear In-Laws that consistently show up unannounced,

While I appreciate your desire to be around us (because, let's be honest, who doesn't?) I'm sorry that I must insist that you call before just "dropping in".   There have been many instances when your unexpected visit was poorly timed, like the 50 visits you have made when I am taking a bath, when we are having "married time" or pretending to be nudists.

Please call next time...it will make life a lot less complicated.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #43

Dear fellow gym-mates,

I'm sorry for the free flowing snot coming out of my noise while on the eliptical.  But honestly, what would you rather see? Cottage cheese thighs or allergen laden mucus?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #42

Dear High School Classmates,

I'm sorry that I did not attend the 10 year reunion this past weekend because I was doing better things...things like going out and enjoying a ridiculously delish steak dinner instead of spending my time and money flying back home, driving down to our home town and then drinking poorly made drinks in the local dive bar.

Hope you had fun though!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #41

Dear Spouse,

I'm sorry that I managed to scratch my chin sometime during the middle of the night and ended up with a nice scabby looking thing on my face. I tried to convince everyone that you don't hit me, but seeing as how I'm so accident prone and generally covered with mystery bruises, I don't think they believe me.

I guess I'll just have to prove my klutziness at work by tripping over my feet while carrying a steaming cup of coffee and landing on my face getting rug burn from the industrial carpet.

Or maybe just stop injuring myself (at least where it is visible).

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #40

Dear www.Regretsy.com,

I'm sorry that I love you so much and that you are now my guilty anti-work pleasure.

Someday we may have to work this issue out.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #39

Dear Work Computer,

I'm sorry that I rarely use you for anything work related...mostly because when I do try to "work" you crap out on me.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #38

Dear Dog,

I'm sorry that you were sprayed by a skunk while we were gone and given two baths to help with the stench.  I'm also sorry that I gave you another bath last night and it appears to have made the smell even worse.

I'm triple sorry that I have to bathe you again this week with tomato juice since your grandfather didn't do that originally.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #37

Dear Last 15 Minutes of the Work Day,

I'm sorry that I hate you so much.  You really didn't do anything wrong, its just that you have been placed in a very precarious situation.

No hard feelings?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #36

Dear Body,

I'm sorry that I assumed that you would be immune to seasonal allergies and therefore have been treating you for the common cold.  I'm also sorry that you decided to become allergic to the AIR all of a sudden.

Maybe we can get on the same page soon because dripping snot and coughing all day long aren't really my thing.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #35

Dear Guests At My Brother's Wedding Reception,

Sorry Grandma said in an exceedingly loud voice so all could hear that my wedding was better.  It may or may not be the truth, but still!  And Grandma, I still love you, even after all of your bad behavior (who doesn't like a grandma with tattoos?)  =)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #34

Dear Beloved Cousin,

I'm sorry that Grandma decided to tell you that "you're almost my favorite".  We all know that means that I took the #1 spot because I am the shit.

I love you all the more because you laughed it off and told me that I was Grandma's favorite, even without her saying it.

You are truly the best!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #33

Dear Jerkwad that I work with,

I'm sorry that you're not getting any sleep due to your newborn son and that you think that it is your stay at home wife's responsibility to get up every time he screams.  I'm sorry that you are tired during the day which leads to you being cranky, but honestly, who can tell if you are cranky or not?  You've always been a douchebag and always will be a douchebag.

I'm not sorry though that Karma is a bitch and this is what you get for being such an ass all of the time.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #32

Dear Anyone Who Has Ever Come In Contact With Me and Dealth With My Amazing Memory,

I'm sorry that I can remember small details that everyone else things are inconsequential at the time, but relay great importance 5+ years down the road.

I'm also sorry that when I recall such facts from past experiences people think I'm a bit creepy.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #31

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry I shared my cold germs with you unknowingly the other day and that you are now all suffering.  Honestly though, why were we sharing drinks again?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #30

Dear Fruit,

I'm sorry, but you look too delicious not to eat.  Sorry for ending your life (well, really I didn't end your life, the poor, toiling farmer who raised you ended your life and now I'm eating your corpse).

Thanks for beling so tasty.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #29

Dear Past Mistakes,

I'm sorry that I made you, but in a way, I'm also grateful because I have learned so much from you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #28

For all who read this,

I'm sorry I'm slacking and this is only apology #28...I promise to be better, no taksies-backsies.

Sincerely,
Me