Apology #34

Dear Beloved Cousin,

I'm sorry that Grandma decided to tell you that "you're almost my favorite".  We all know that means that I took the #1 spot because I am the shit.

I love you all the more because you laughed it off and told me that I was Grandma's favorite, even without her saying it.

You are truly the best!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #33

Dear Jerkwad that I work with,

I'm sorry that you're not getting any sleep due to your newborn son and that you think that it is your stay at home wife's responsibility to get up every time he screams.  I'm sorry that you are tired during the day which leads to you being cranky, but honestly, who can tell if you are cranky or not?  You've always been a douchebag and always will be a douchebag.

I'm not sorry though that Karma is a bitch and this is what you get for being such an ass all of the time.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #32

Dear Anyone Who Has Ever Come In Contact With Me and Dealth With My Amazing Memory,

I'm sorry that I can remember small details that everyone else things are inconsequential at the time, but relay great importance 5+ years down the road.

I'm also sorry that when I recall such facts from past experiences people think I'm a bit creepy.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #31

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry I shared my cold germs with you unknowingly the other day and that you are now all suffering.  Honestly though, why were we sharing drinks again?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #30

Dear Fruit,

I'm sorry, but you look too delicious not to eat.  Sorry for ending your life (well, really I didn't end your life, the poor, toiling farmer who raised you ended your life and now I'm eating your corpse).

Thanks for beling so tasty.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #29

Dear Past Mistakes,

I'm sorry that I made you, but in a way, I'm also grateful because I have learned so much from you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #28

For all who read this,

I'm sorry I'm slacking and this is only apology #28...I promise to be better, no taksies-backsies.

Sincerely,
Me