Apology #47

Dear Discovery Channel,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to "dumb down" your programming as of late.  I do not understand why I need scientific principles explained to me in comic book fashion when I was perfectly capable of understanding Stephen Hawking when you featured his show.

Discovery Channel, I have to say that I'm ashamed of you.  Soon enough you will be competing with TLC in the "Toddlers & Tiara's" category.

To have lost one educational channel in an Idiocracy-esque way is bad enough, so please, for the love of all that is holy, stop your current train of thought and actually teach me something.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
If you really think that we are going to be able to stop a huge asteroid via an "Armegeddon" scenario, please stop daydreaming. The fact that you actually put that in your programming made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Apology #46

Dear 75 Cent Gas Station Vacuum Cleaner,

I'm sorry that I filled your guts with dirt, dog hair, mysterious gravel, gum wrappers and some mystery food that was hiding in our car.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
You might want to get clean yourself because after I used you, you reeked.

Apology #45

Dear Feelings & Emotions,

I'm sorry that I sometimes let you get the best of me.  You know that we have a certain agreement that states I will only let you out for a particular instance for one night and then we have to deal with the situation...Kind of like a one night special, only no one gets anything particularly nice from it.

I'm sorry that you want to run free and be out of control, but you did that during puberty and now is not the time to relive your glory days.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #44

Dear In-Laws that consistently show up unannounced,

While I appreciate your desire to be around us (because, let's be honest, who doesn't?) I'm sorry that I must insist that you call before just "dropping in".   There have been many instances when your unexpected visit was poorly timed, like the 50 visits you have made when I am taking a bath, when we are having "married time" or pretending to be nudists.

Please call next time...it will make life a lot less complicated.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #43

Dear fellow gym-mates,

I'm sorry for the free flowing snot coming out of my noise while on the eliptical.  But honestly, what would you rather see? Cottage cheese thighs or allergen laden mucus?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #42

Dear High School Classmates,

I'm sorry that I did not attend the 10 year reunion this past weekend because I was doing better things...things like going out and enjoying a ridiculously delish steak dinner instead of spending my time and money flying back home, driving down to our home town and then drinking poorly made drinks in the local dive bar.

Hope you had fun though!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #41

Dear Spouse,

I'm sorry that I managed to scratch my chin sometime during the middle of the night and ended up with a nice scabby looking thing on my face. I tried to convince everyone that you don't hit me, but seeing as how I'm so accident prone and generally covered with mystery bruises, I don't think they believe me.

I guess I'll just have to prove my klutziness at work by tripping over my feet while carrying a steaming cup of coffee and landing on my face getting rug burn from the industrial carpet.

Or maybe just stop injuring myself (at least where it is visible).

Sincerely,
Me