Apology #129

Dear GI Tract,

I'm sorry I had to take a mixture of laxatives last night (aka The "Gut Bomb") so you would be happier. I'm also sorry that this had some disasterous results.

Maybe some day we can come up with a nice schedule, but until then, be warned.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #128

Dear Morning Commuters,

I'm sorry that you think it is a good idea to get into the fast lane when there isn't anyone in front of you in the middle lane.  When you do that, I have to slow down and I'm sorry for myself on that one. You have made me late more than once...and I'm sure you will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #127

Dear Mouse Living In The Garage,

I'm sorry that I screamed like a little girl when I almost picked you up out of the dog food container with the handy dog food scoop. Man, I wish I had that on film because it was pretty hilarious.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #126

Dear Food Network,

I'm sorry that I said that your recipie was going to be horrible, especially since everyone loved it.  But seriously, if you want to teach someone to carmelize sugar, maybe more instructions other than heat the sugar and water until the sugar melts and carmelizes would be best.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #125

Dear Becky,

I'm sorry that you have to get another weird operation to rewire your nerve endings so they don't feel pain. But honestly though, I would really appreciate not having to see your facebook status about it and how you can't go snow shoeing this year.

At least you're off the horse tranquilizers.

Sincerely,
Me

**before you judge me on this one, she's totally crazy...I have people who can vouch for that.

Apology #124

Dear Ms. Morris (High School English Teacher),

I'm sorry that I still use quotation marks in the most appropriate ways, which generally means that I am trying to convey sarcasm via quotes and italics.  Maybe someday I'll learn, but every time I hit the quotation mark keys, I think of you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #123

Dear Guncles (Gay Uncles for those of you not in the know),

I'm sorry that sometimes I need a night to myself and declined to watch that new movie, "Eat, Pray, Love" with you last night. But honestly, its not like we won't be over at your house all day Thursday, so I hope you get over the crushing disappointment!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #122

Dear Persistent Headache,

As much as I don't like to banish someone/something from my life, I believe that you are on my shit list. Time to move on and leave me alone before I get nasty!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #121

Dear Bananna,

I'm sorry that I haven't eaten you or your brethren in such a long time. This must change.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #120

Dear BBQ,

I'm sorry that you are so bad for me because I do really love you.  Too bad we must moderate how much we meet.

Such a sad day really.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #119

Dear Old Computer Monitor That Has Been Living At My Desk For 3 Years,

I'm sorry, but today was finally the day for us to leave one another's presence. I have enjoyed your company, but thanks to your absence, my cubicle is now clean, fresh and organized.

Maybe we will meet again someday...maybe.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #118

Dear Soup,

I'm sorry that I made you too salty.  This is why I never fully trust bullion cubes.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #117

Dear Body,

I'm not sure what I did to you for you to be rebelling this way, but for whatever I did, I am sorry...a million times sorry!!

Please forgive me for my transgressions...because feeling like crap is not how I wanted to spend my Monday.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #116

Dear Local Relatives,

I'm sorry that I am keeping my job hunt, that is for out of state jobs, a secret from you. I don't feel that the ensuing fights, arguements, tears and frustration will be worth it until I do have a job that we are unable to resist.

It feels dishonest, but I think that it is the best plan for now.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #115

Dear Trees,

I'm sorry that I had to print out a stack of files that seemed to take up the better part of a ream of paper.  At least it is going into the recycle bin!

You know, Trees, I wouldn't have done it if I could have helped it. Hopefully you won't be next =(

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #114

Dear Supplemental Insurance Rep At The Office Today,

I'm sorry that I didn't understand right away that you wanted to have lunch with me. I'm so used to working through my lunches that the thought didn't occur to me until you walked out of the door and drove over to the Wendy's drive thru. I'm so used to being ignored at the office that the exchange was unexpected.

Sorry!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #113

Dear Facebook Residents That Can't Spell,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to make me interpret your gibberish. There is a thing called spell check, you should learn how to use it.  (And before you try to "school" me, yes, I know that Facebook doesn't have spell check, but there are ways to get around that...don't show your ignorance right away, please try and fool the world into thinking that you can form a cohesive thought.)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #112

Dear Jaw,

I'm sorry that we have TMJ. It sucks balls big time.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #111

Dear Self,

I'm sorry that I let you down by not facing an issue you have with someone face on, although trying to avoid a confrontation in the middle of a birthday party where there is also a newborn was probably the best way to go in the situation you found yourself in.

Please know that you are doing the best you can and that in the future things will be better with said situation.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #110

Dear Clock,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to slow down time when I am only working a half day. This is totally unnecessary and you should be punished!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #109

Dear In-Law That Just Had The Baby,

I'm sorry that you like to post pictures of your newborn on facebook where her vagina is flashing the camera (in more than one picture)...I'm equally sorry that some day I will tell her of this humiliation.

Here's to being a new parent!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #108

Dear Mother-In-Law,

I'm sorry that you don't like me because I am quite fabulous once you get to know me.

Your loss.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #107

Dear Pivot Tables,

I'm sorry that I don't know how to use you correctly and apparently can't save you...ever...even when I hit the save button constantly the changes I made never seem to take hold.  Why, oh why, dear Pivot Table, do you hate me so?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #106

Dear Target Cashier,

I'm sorry that I had to come into the store all sweaty from the gym last night, but thank you for not having to do a price check over the loud speaker for the Miralax I had to buy.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #105

Dear Rice Cooker and Instruction Manual,

I'm sorry that I took your advice and only used half of the water I normally use for brown rice.  Subsequently I am eating dry rice...

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #104

Dear Political Candidates,

I'm sorry, but I think that your time and energy as well as numerous dollars would be better spent not sending me junk mail and hiring some phone bank to call every five minutes after 5pm.

You have officially made me not vote for you due to your harassment.

Sincerely,
Me

PS
Although the actual visits to my house would be a nice gesture if this was 1955, it is creepy and offensive when you pound on my door while I am lounging in the bathtub.

Apology #103

Dear Trick-Or-Treaters,

I'm sorry that your parents didn't want to take you out on a Sunday night to scavenge for candy, but kudos to the kids who stopped by our house because you got handfuls of delicious candy treats.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #102

Dear TMJ,

I'm sorry, but I hate you and the aches you bring.

Sincerely,
Me