Apology #101

Dear Soon To Be Born Niece Or Nephew,

I'm sorry that you are being born to super religous people...but hey, at least you'll be able to visit with us and see the softer side of the world.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #100

Dear European Colleage Here For A Visit,

I'm sorry that you had a late flight, but I am not sorry that I asked my only friend in the office to cough in his hand before you shook it.  That's what you get for being mean to all of us =)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #99

Dear Mother-In-Law,

I'm sorry that you and I don't get along. I'm also sorry that I am envious of those who do love their child's spouse, or at the very least, tolerate them.

I'm not sorry, however, that the next time I see you, I will not be listening to anything that comes from you. I will be walking away with my head held high knowing that you can't do anything about it.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #98

Dear Vegans,

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with this.  Unless you live like a hermit and make everything yourself, there really isn't a true vegan out there.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #97

Dear Big-Wig From Europe Visiting This Week At The Office,

I'm sorry that I just don't like you or your accent.  Some days you sound like Hitler...and you aren't even from Germany.

What gives?

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #96

Dear Wind,

I'm sorry, but you suck.  Gale force winds with clear and sunny skies? C'mon...at least give me some rain!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #95

Dear Toes,

I'm sorry that socks are not enough to help keep you warm during the winter months. Perhaps we need to get another cat and train it to sit directly on you.

Hmmm...possibilities.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #94

Dear Sibling and their Spouse,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to keep everything about your pregnancy so secretive. Especially the part where you sent me a text of the ultrasound and then posted it on facebook an hour later. A phone call would have been nice on this occasion, but maybe that's just me. Hope your kid is able to adjust quite nicely once it comes out since I'm fairly sure this means I won't be able to spend any time with them.

Good luck with that.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #93

Dear Office Mates,

I'm sorry that you have the Bubonic Plague, but you really should stay at home instead of infecting me...or anyone else in the office for that matter.

Also, I'm sorry that your mother never taught you to cover your mouth (preferably with your elbow) when you cough or to hold a tissue up to your nose when you sneeze.

You need some manners and lessons in personal hygine...but don't come knocking on my door with your germ encrusted hands...there's no amount of hand sanitizer that will make you go away.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #92

Dear Perez Hilton,

I'm sorry that I liked you better when you were "mean" to celebrities. I completely understand your new stance due to the bullying issues that have come to light all over the country, but this new, softer side of you just isn't the same.

For example, you once called a celebrity "Beef Curtains"...of course you were only repeating a rumor/nasty nickname, but nonetheless it was fairly humorous...this week, you called that same person, and I quote, "lovely and beautiful...how are you so adorable?"

I guess I'll have to try to be a better person like you are...but for now, I'm sorry, I still like to be immature =)

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #91

Dear Co-Worker,

I'm sorry that you felt the need to NOT say anything when I had spinach in my teeth yesterday.  Please be forewarned that the same courtesy will be extended to you and will result in me laughing at you in my head.

Maybe next time we can work together to avoid embarassment in the correct manner.

Until then, spinach rules!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #90

Dear Cold Weather,

I'm sorry that I forgot how much you suck. Also, why is the air conditioner on in the office right now? I think I need a blanket.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #89

Dear Closed Minded Relatives,

I'm sorry that you think that sterotypes of people define them and then judge those individuals based on said stereotypes. That being said, I'm sorry to myself and those that were being judged for not speaking up in that moment to say that just because you have heard something about a group of people does not mean that it is true, especially for members of that group/race/community that you are related to.

Disappointment in so many different ways.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #88

Dear Stomach,

I'm sorry that after weeks of eating like a bird due to scheduling conflicts, your day with two complete meals has left you feeling not so great.  Guess next time we should eat like a bird even if a full plate is before us.

Sorry again.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #87

Dear Future Houseguests,

I'm sorry that you missed last night's hommade gumbo. It was delicious.

Not sure what to make you for dinner tonight since I used all of my inspiration yesterday.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #86

Dear Celebrity Couples Who Broke Up This Week (Christina Aguleria/Her Husband, Courtney Cox/David Arquette, Laura Dern/Ben Harper),

I'm sorry that I couldn't care less.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #85

Dear Floss,

I'm sorry that I have been neglecting you...or rather neglecting to use you. I promise to use you up...andsing that Bill Withers song while doing it.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #84

Dear Ouzo,

I'm sorry but we must never meet again. Every time we do, I end up blacking out. I only say this after recently getting newly found old rolls of actual film developed and not being able to remember that night (not because it was about 8 years ago, but because ouzo was poured down my throat by some scary Greek man). These pictures promptly reminded me of the other nights you and I had met and how I can't remember anything from then either.

Sorry, but it just won't work out anymore.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #83

Dear Body,

I'm sorry that I kept drinking on Saturday night even though I had switched to water and our host mysteriously took that glass and replaced it with some weird brandy/irish cream/coffee/whipped cream concoction.

I'm also sorry that you were hurting from said "culinary" exploration from that night's dinner. (Pseudo Greek food that seemd semi-questionable.)

Never again body, never again.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #82

Dear Stutter That I Mysteriously Developed This Morning,

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid our relationship must come to an immediate end. Stuttering over the word "green" when I have never previously stuttered before is an abomination.

Let's say we didn't meet and won't ever have to look at one another again.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #81

Dear Sweet Potatoes,

I'm sorry I never gave you the time of day until about 12 months ago when you were the only starch available in the house.  Oh how I have grown to love you.

Here's to our love affair!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #80

Dear Financial Gurus In My Life,

I'm sorry that conversations with me generally take about three times as long as they do with other people as I ask so many questions and have so many different things for you to look at.

But hey, at least I keep you employed and busy, right?

Here's to the next meeting.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #79

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry that I don't do a spectacular job when doing yours.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #78

Dear Cat,

I'm sorry that you thought it to be appropriate behavior this morning to vomit right next to my head, thus causing us to strip the bed at 5am.

I am not sorry, however, that I called you an a****le.

Cat = 1, Me = 0...for now.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #77

Dear Dog,

I'm sorry that we took you on a very long walk/hike yesterday that pooped you out, but I'm happy that you had fun even if you were fairly exhausted by the end of the day.

Maybe we'll go again next week so I can torture you some more =)

Sincerely,
Me