Apology #76

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry that you appear to be incompetent.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #75

Dear Cousin,

I'm sorry that you thought that a handful of people could paint an entire house in one day...a house with 20 foot vaulted ceilings and a girlfriend who had a baby just a week prior.

I'm also sorry that you only thought to buy one large paint roller, thus making the goal fairly impossible.

I am not sorry, however, that we left when the sun set...7 hours of painting someone else's house is just too much!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #74

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry for slacking on my daily apologies. Please blame the day and a half of meetings I have been in which I had many great thoughts of apologies that were then dashed out by sales and marketing statistics.

I'll try harder to please you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #73

Dear Water,

I'm sorry I don't drink more of you for the obvious health benefits.  If only you didn't taste so...what is the word I'm looking for....like water?

Here's to trying!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #72

Dear Sunrise,

I'm sorry to say that though you are very lovely I really don't like seeing you...unless it is after a night of partying and your arrival is our signal to go home...but on the way to work, again, while I appreciate your beauty, I just don't want to see you.

Sincerely,
me

Apology #71

Dear Everyone Else Driving To Work at 6:45am,

I'm sorry that you like my car so much that you have to slow down traffic just to stare at it...I mean, that's really the only logical explaination for traffic to date!

I'll try harder to keep the exterior of said vehicle dirty and of no interest to you...maybe then we could all get to work on time.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #70

Dear Scale,

I'm sorry that I dread stepping on you when the occasion arises, even if I have been able to make that stupid number smaller over the past few months.

Still, you are not my friend and I'm sorry about that.  I just don't think our relationship is that healthy...

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #69

Dear People Who Update Facebook with "Mai" instead of "My",

I'm sorry, but you need to go back to school and until then, I am deleting you from my newsfeed.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #68

Dear Cousin Who JUST Had A C-Section,

Sorry that when I bent down to give you a goodbye hug, I accidently put pressure on your stomach and/or incision. Thank you for not crying out in pain and/or slapping me silly for hurting you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #67

Dear friends,

Sorry if I have ever given you advice.  After being on the receiving end this weekend and getting unwanted/unwarranted advice from quite a few people who have no idea what my life entails, I was ready to explode.  So I'm sorry that I ever gave you advice in the first place...how you didn't ever want to punch me in the face seems to be a miracle!

I'll try to do better in the future and keep my big mouth shut.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #66

Dear Mall That Is Sort Of Close-sh To My House,

Sorry that you are like a ghost town and that no one likes you anymore.  I believe that you hit your height of popularity during the late 80s and have been sliding into oblivion ever since.  I'm not sorry however, that I rarely visit you. When my muted footsteps are amplified by the cavernous empty space and you can hear me from 100 yards away because no one is there but me, maybe it is time to close up shop.

Good luck with that one. This economy is hard, but sometimes you just have to throw in the towel.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #65

Dear Dog,

I'm sorry that I did not take you on a walk last night as promised. I'm sure that playing in the house and backyard was not sufficient to release your doggie energy, so perhaps we shall go on an extended hike this weekend.

Sincerely,
Me (Your Bad Pet Owner)

Apology #64

Dear Thursday,

I'm sorry to say that you are no longer my favorite day of the week.  You have officially been replaced by Saturday, the day of sleeping in, hopefully lounging around and possibly some social interactions.

Gone are the days of "Thirsty Thursday" which entailed getting drunk and wreaking havoc on the fair city I then lived in, but alas, Thursdays now just mean I glare at the alarm clock and get out of bed slower than I did the day before.

Maybe someday we can like one another again Thursday, but I just don't see that happening until I retire.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #63

Dear Temp Worker from the shop,

I'm sorry that you happened to walk past my cubicle this morning around 7 to see me picking my nose.  What you missed was the wad of tissue in my other hand waiting for the spoils of war to be deposited.

Thank you for pretending not to notice my disgusting foray into "gold mining", but sometimes a tissue around your finger just isn't enough!

Again, my apologies.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #62

Dear "Walk & Tone" shoes,

I'm sorry that I mocked you in my offline life by saying that you are all ugly shoes and anyone who wears you is dumb...because you do come in some flattering styles that aren't ridiculous and I have to say that you actually work!

My apologies.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #61

Dear Burning Plastic Smell That Has Permiated Everything In The Office,

I'm not sure what caused you to exist in the hallowed halls of my office, but I would greatly appreciate if you would leave. I'm sorry to be asking this, but you have made me smell an awful lot like you and have given me a headache.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #60

Dear Self,

I'm sorry that I often-times let fear of the unknown creep in and either make me hesitant to go out and enjoy life to the fullest or to completely disown the idea in the first place.  Its time to stop being a scaredy cat and go for your dreams!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #59

Dear Fall,

As much as I love you as a season, I do not like the cold nights mixed with the warm days.  I'm sorry for this because I love you, your colors, smells, sights and sounds...just not the cold.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #58

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry that you seem to think I cannot comprehend what a closed door means.  Yes I know that you are busy which is why I sent you an email instead of opening your door.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #57

Dear Pregnant Friends and Family,

I'm sorry that you are desperate for us to engage in some bad decisions one night and get knocked up so we can join your ranks.  Don't worry, we'll let you know when the time has come and gone for our drunken shenannigans and in turn baby creation moment.  You will find out when we're good and ready to tell you!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #56

Dear Car,

I'm sorry that you have had to hear us talking about getting you a new sibling after trading in your old one, but rest assured that it is not you, so stop acting up!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #55

Dear Carpet Cleaning Cousin,

I'm sorry if I ever made fun of you and your chosen profession, especially since you helped me with the stupid oil slick in my car.

Here's to your future!

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #54

Dear Park Ranger,

I'm sorry that I felt immense pleasure by the fact that you were winded when walking up the stairs during our tour.

Thank God it wasn't just me!

Sincerely,
"Catching My Breath" Me

Apology #53

Dear Used Oil Recycling Center,

Thank you for not accepting any more used automotive oil for recycling purposes.  That really made last night's ordeal seem so appropriate.

Dear Car,

I'm sorry that the said used oil from above that I was taking the the stupid oil recycling center spilled all over your interior and now you are being detailed to not only get the hazardous stuff out of you, but also its smell.  But hey, at least you will be cleaner after the tragic oil spill than before it happened, right? 

So sorry, in more than one way,
Me

Apology #52

Dear Dept. of Transportation,

I'm sorry that you find it necessary to make some road repairs and then stop from doing the obvious ones that are also in your current work path (ex. repaving a road that is perfectly fine, but leaving the HUGE craters on the intersecting road that you did not pave...OR repaving the highway which, yes, needed a new layer of asphault, but stopping literally two feet short of the huge divot missing on the off-ramp).

Seriously, I know that we all hate our jobs, but I think that you can do better than that.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #51

Dear Discovery Channel,

I'm not sorry about my earlier comments, but no one deserves to be held hostage.

My thoughts go out to you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #50

Dear "The Office",

I'm sorry I didn't fully appreciate your brilliance until quite recently and have now gone on an "Office" marathon.

I'm also sorry to those around me who do not work in offices that are uncannily like the one portrayed in the show and therefore do not understand my sudden outbursts of laughter.

I'm not sorry, however, to tell you to kiss it.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #49

Dear Spouse,

Although you do not know it yet because our anniversary is tomorrow, I'm sorry that I do not have a pen that automatically spell checks everything that I write.  I'm sorry that I had to point out said misspelled words, then rewrite them.  I'm also sorry that I was too feverish in my writing to make words legible.

This year's card will go down in the books as one of the sappiest and funniest cards I have ever given you.

Sincerely,
Me

Apology #48

Dear Co-Workers,

I'm sorry that I have garlic herb cream cheese breath today.

But it was so delish.

Sincerely,
Me